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Perceptions

September 23, 2022
Lily Lustig

Prologue: Blur I am a pair of slender, purple-rimmed spectacles. I make for simple mornings and effortless evenings. I offer color and clues. I am a sight and I am sight itself. (More literally, here in 2011, I am a 10-year-old girl with glasses and the author of this piece. But the first part is more important.) March 8, 2021: The Appointment (Part 2) (Gold Aviators) In the words of Les Misérables, “The time is now / The day is here.” My new optometrist has just returned to this bleak, grey-cloaked examination room. Dr. Joseph Isik defies everything that I’ve come to expect of an eye specialist: he can hold a conversation, trusts my judgment, and has the dimensions and radiance of a fluorescent lamp. He has revealed that I have a nevus on my left eye. He has gone so far as to compliment my irises, despite seeing dozens of them each day. (“They’re just hazel,” I mean to say, but his praise has transfixed me.) “Alrighty, the moment of truth,” he sings. Opening his palms like the magician he surely is, Isik reveals two teeny plastic cartons. I have spent months pining for their contents. I have spent a decade fearing them.. Do I fare well with any entities or substances coming even remotely close to my eyes? No. No. In fact, I react quite poorly in such situations. But it’s decided. I have committed to joining the mainstream. No more clouded vision. In order to turn a new leaf, I must cast aside my anxieties and embrace the subtle art of jabbing my fingers into my eye sockets. Passing me my first lens, Isik gives a brief demonstration of the task at hand. Appears easy enough. Perhaps, the doctor ponders, we can begin with a simple exercise: touching my index finger to my naked cornea. Sounds somewhat doable. I give it a shot. I nearly throw up. My squeamishness, it would seem, has not faded away as gracefully as I had hoped. But before I can apologize for being so shamefully sensitive, Isik has begun prying open my lids in an attempt to insert the contacts himself. It is a Clockwork Orange waking nightmare; it is the sincerest act of care. And though I lightly squeal and squirm, I certainly handle myself better this time around. Blinking profusely, I come to, glance around the room, and realize that I can see. September 16, 2014: Practice (Part 1) (Black Ray-Bans) They noticed that I was pretty good with my feet, so they made me field hockey goalie for the season. The whole thing reeks of desperation: their star keeper’s in high school now, whereas two years ago, after completing 21 shuttles of the PACER test (out of, like, 150), I started hacking like the victim of chronic asbestos exposure. I’m no athlete, and they know it. But they need a goalie on their roster. I’ve signed my name, and – to be honest – I’m more than a little jazzed to be part of a team. Today’s our first practice and here in the claustrophobic girls’ locker room, I’ve donned all the fetid, chunky, garish orange gear. (There are pads, quite literally, everywhere.) Only one component remains: the brain barrier herself, my helmet. And here she comes! She’s jet black, she’s heavier than a newborn baby, she carries the aroma of a dead squirrel. Oh, she’s just grand. Coronate me, coach! And as the crown descends upon my head, I wish my former self well, knowing that a new epoch has begun. Goodbye, horribly-cliché-13-year-old sob story, and hello – “You’ll need to take off your glasses.” Cue panic. “Oh. Um. But then I won’t be able to … see.” Nice one. “You have contacts, don’t you?” I do not. “I do not.” “Well for God’s sake, kid, how did you think this was gonna go?” Ahem, you came to me, remember? And if you don’t let me play, you’re screwed, lady. “I’m so, so, so, so, so sorry! I promise I can make it work! Can we loosen this? I’ll just cram the glasses underneath. See?” Breathing labored and frames askew, I have sealed my fate for the next two months. “Look, as long as your vision’s intact, you can do whatever you want.” Alright, I’ll take it. But just know that I will never, under any circumstances, get contacts. March 9, 2021: Practice (Part 2) Day 2 with contacts. Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Yesterday, you wore them for five minutes, and you neither put them in nor took them out yourself. Today, you have yet to attempt insertion. Because you’re absolutely mortified by the prospect of it. But that’s why you’ve set aside 30 whole minutes before class! You cannot possibly take half an hour to do that which a normal person does in 10 seconds!! That would be downright ludacris!!! Crack open the first case. Scrub your hands until they sparkle. Now dry them until they burn. Place the lens on the very tip of your index finger. Look in the mirror but for the love of God, do not look yourself in the eye. Align your missile with your target. Ignore the faint ringing in your ears that suggests you’re losing consciousness. Ignore the faint taps of your housemate at the door – yes, you’ve overtaken the one shared bathroom, but dammit, she can wait. Allow your soul to leave your body. Aim. Fire. AND BAM! You’ve failed in the most pathetic fashion imaginable. Not only did your manic blinking block the contact from your cornea – it has also caused the lens to drop directly down the drain. And somehow, your unscathed eye still stings like an alcohol-dabbed wound. It’s fine. You have dozens more. Repeat the process. Repeat the process. Repeat the process and praise every otherworldly being for preserving this lens, no matter how averse it is to suctioning to your face. Repeat the process and WAIT, something’s happening here, blink blink blink, the contact’s not on your finger anymore, and now there’s a new kind of stinging, as if your eye has developed a tumorous growth, and you want nothing more than to expel this foreign object from your person but you fight the urge to perform the “Out, vile jelly!” scene from King Lear and would you look at that! Praise be! You’ve done it! Equipped with 20/15 vision, you have officially defied all odds. Revel in this moment for as long as it takes to regain your sense of awareness. Now use this mediocre eyesight to check the time, and thank yourself again for factoring in that healthy half-hour cushion. Squint. Let the clock come into focus. Class started 6 minutes ago. May 24, 2018: The Appointment (Part 1) (Tortoise Frames) In the words of Les Misérables, “The time is now / The day is here.” I’ve mustered up the courage to tell my optomotrist – Martin Newman, whose patients praise him online as “an older, relatively obese man who has absolutely no personality” – that I want contacts. I suppose “want” is an overstatement. But I’m ready for my big reveal, my Velma moment; the time when everyone who’s seen my face almost every day for the past 7 years will finally, truly, see my face. Newman’s making sure that my prescription hasn’t changed. The alarming proximity of our faces is made even more distressing by his severe breaths. They’re more a thunder than a wheeze; they resound straight through to my retinas. As he rolls away on his miniscule, one-moment-from-imploding-under-his-intense-and-highly-concentrated-weight stool, I make my own shuddering exhalation. Here goes nothing. “Dr. Newman, I was wondering if I might be able to get contacts today.” The word “contact” precludes him – in every possible irony – from meeting my gaze. “…Do you think that would be possible?” And suddenly two bratwursts (later recognized as Newman’s fingers) are tugging at my eyelids, while two more squeeze a chartreuse fluid into my now-gaping sockets. I go berserk. “EEEEEEEEEEERRRRGHGGGGGGGGGRGGGGGGGGRGGGGGGGGGHHHH,” squawks the incapacitated girl to her merciless assailant, flailing slightly and causing the liquid to fall like tainted, toxic tears. “If you cannot handle that, young lady, you cannot handle contacts.” Ah, how swell. I suppose now’s as fitting a time as ever to hit rock bottom. March 13, 2021: Driving Lesson This is My Year. I relinquished my “minor” status two years ago, but Today I am an Adult. Because I have Contacts. And before long, I’m going to get my Driver’s License. And right now, I’m Driving, training for my Road Test, while wearing – you guessed it – the Contacts that I put into my Eyes this morning with Relative Ease. Life is going So Well. So Well! Am I…the Best Driver Ever? The Most Independent Person? Whocaresthatmydadislegallyobligatedtobeinthepassengerseatrightnow? I have Matured. Kind of funky that my head is … Pounding right now. That the street sign a few feet away is … Illegible. That, upon closer consideration, my distance vision has … Gone Completely to Shit. Okay. It’s Totally Fine. Maybe if I just rub my eyes a little … here at this red light … Rubrubrubrubrubrub. Fuck. It appears that my Left Lens. Which is decidedly the wrong prescription. Has dislodged itself from my cornea. And found a home under the gas pedal. I Abhor Contacts. March 29, 2020: Fog (Part 2) (Blue Translucent Frames) To step outside is to be blinded. To take one breath is to envelope yourself in a weighty, pervasive cloud. To live through a pandemic is to become your most melodramatic diarist. What I mean is that glasses and KN95s do a great job of prohibiting each other from carrying out their basic functions. Even more simply: mask + glasses = major condensation. And yes, I’ll take foggy vision over risk of infection any day. And yes, this minor inconvenience is even more insignificant in the context of a global health crisis. And yes, there’s an easy fix to this minute hindrance. I’ve been rethinking my vendetta against contacts. November 15, 2018: Fog (Part 1) (Blue Translucent Frames) A passage from the first book of The Aeneid, translated today in class: “Venus surrounds the walking men [Aeneas and his friend Achates] with a dark cloud, and the goddess enveloped them with a great cloak of fog, so that no one was able to discern them, nor to touch them, nor to construct a delay, nor to ask the causes of their coming.” “Discern” is a potent word, states my Latin instructor. It means to see someone for who they truly are. It goes beyond mere sight. I would like to be seen. December 8, 2021: In My Eyes A planet drifts within each pool of milk. Their crusts are a stormy cerulean, their mantle a soft chartreuse. Their outer core is a rusty brown, their inner core an impossible black hole. I couldn’t distinguish such subtleties before; perhaps I hadn’t even tried. But no longer must I gaze through window panes, with their smudges and cobwebs and – figurative – bird droppings. Never have I observed life with such ease. Staring at a mirror, into my own pupils, I can discern a faint reflection. She’s hardly abstracted. She’s distant, yet she couldn’t be closer. I think she looks rather lovely. Epilogue: Blur It’s terribly odd to be recognized. Does my current image not differ from the one that exists within your memory? Have I not, in turn, transcended perception? In this choice, did I seek conspicuousness or invisibility? And what does it mean if I see differently and see myself differently and yet am (seen) just the same? Defining yourself by a flimsy pair of frames is a mistake. Electing to abandon those frames is psychotic. It leaves you with no choice but to build from scratch – to redesign and reconstruct your entire person. It’s the self-inflicted identity crisis that you thought you could hold off for at least a few more years. But what, then, does it mean to find comfort in this current state? And balance, knowing that you have not completely cast aside that other way of life and may switch between your two modes whenever you see fit? At my bedside, the gold aviators sit neatly in their case. Oh, please. With each metaphor, you dig yourself deeper into the world’s most shallow abyss. Sure, you switched to contacts at age 20. But when were you planning to tell them that you still can’t ride a bike?

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Amtrak and Football

Mayrav Estrin
January 29, 2025

I had a lot of trouble relaxing on the Amtrak home to New York on the last Saturday of September. I was wearing low-rise flare jeans from a Depop in Kentucky. They are great jeans for standing and for sitting very upright, which was the last thing I wanted to do. Unbuttoning them was not an option; it would make me feel like I was getting fat and being impolite. So I sucked it up and in since the train ride was only going to be a few hours. I got tired of scrolling on Instagram, seeing all the posts of people I know at the football game. They all posted slightly different versions of “yay school spirit” and “we love college.” I had to leave the game early to make my train, and I missed Brown’s first win against Harvard in 14 years—at least, I think it was 14. I don’t really care about football. It was a cloudy afternoon, and Connecticut was looking especially unimpressive. I had Fiona Apple and Lana Del Rey blasting in my AirPods because I decided, for no reason, that I wanted to be melancholy and contemplative today. I kept telling myself to look at the houses next to the train tracks and imagine the people who live in them, but my eyes kept focusing on the dirt residue on the plexiglass windows instead. About an hour in, a man in his sixties sat next to me. He arrived with another man in his sixties, his friend, and they both sported worn-out flannel shirts. But the one sitting beside me wasn’t wearing a bucket hat. I was in no mood for a stranger to sit next to me. I had already decided that I wanted to be melancholy and contemplative, and a stranger sitting next to me would most definitely impede on this plan of mine. But the train was crowded. And he seemed nice enough. I started to wonder if the man next to me knew I came straight from the white-out-themed Harvard vs. Brown football game, and that’s why I was wearing a white tank top and blue jeans. He definitely didn’t. But I like to make up stories about people in my head. I decided that he probably wouldn’t have liked that I left a little before halftime. And if he asked why I did that, I would have to explain that I was getting overstimulated by all the people, that my phone had no service, that the humidity and wind were turning my freshly blown-out hair crunchy, that someone who was stressing me out was most definitely nearby, and that leaving the game early with my friend was really the most logical option. I put on a different, more upbeat playlist and reminded myself of how bizarre it was to create such a false narrative. If I said all this to him, his reply would probably be nice enough. But maybe he would secretly judge me and think I’m superficial and lack school spirit—because that’s probably how my story sounds. Anyway, none of this happened. And I had just wasted twenty minutes of my precious youth making up a self-indulgent narrative about what a stranger thinks of me that benefited me in no real way at all. All he’d seen me do was shuffle some songs on Spotify, fix my lip-liner in a tiny rose-gold hand-held mirror, and eat vegan butter-flavored popcorn. He probably hadn’t thought about me at all. I yelled at myself in my head to stop acting like a weirdo in ten different ways. I just wanted to snap out of it. Was this social anxiety, or was I just an egomaniac? Maybe I shouldn’t have had a Black Cherry White Claw for breakfast. He fell asleep for a good portion of the train ride, and I was happy about that because the reflective but reductive attitude I adopted was growing rather self-conscious and negative. If he was asleep, he couldn’t perceive me anymore. I felt bad when I had to wake the stranger up to use the bathroom. He wasn’t asleep asleep. It was more of an “I’m just resting my eyes” asleep. He got up quickly and I walked down the train aisle even quicker. When I looked at myself in the mirror of the tiny bathroom that smelled like piss and pine-scented cleaning products, I thought about how my hair still looked crunchy, how I paid too much for a ticket on this shithole, and how I used too much brain capacity to imagine all the ways that a stranger would disapprove of me. I didn’t even have one thought about his life, I realized. I didn’t think about who he was, where he was coming from, or where he was going. I didn’t think about why he kept checking an interactive weather map on his phone. Nothing. He was busy being his own person while I was busy preparing for his judgment. I was literally just projecting because I was insecure. I didn’t really know about what, either. And if you had asked me at that moment, I probably would have said, “Everything. And my hair looks horrible.” It was probably something deeper than my hair looking crunchy from hairspray. But can I even call it projecting if I didn’t say a single word out loud? When I got back to my seat, the man was back to looking at interactive maps on his phone. I have a bad habit of staring at other people’s phone screens, and he noticed me looking. “I’m tracking my boat,” he said. But “American Whore” by Lana Del Rey was playing a little too loud for me to understand. In milliseconds, I felt anxiety wash over my body. I had just constructed a fake interaction with this man, and now I was about to have a real one. I took out my AirPods quickly. “Sorry, what did you say?” “I said, I’m tracking my boat. On my phone. It’s amazing what phones can do now, right?” “Yeah. It is really amazing.” We chatted for about 20 minutes about his boat going from Connecticut to New Jersey, about his New Jersey upbringing, and about his favorite restaurant that was also in New Jersey. He was nice. He did not have a Jersey accent—in fact he sounded like he was from California. He loved that I asked about the name of his boat. Her name was Ophelia. “She’s not named after anyone or anything like that. I just love that name.” I liked that name, too. I like that boats always have girls’ names. I told him that if I had a boat, I would name her Athena or Aphrodite. I don’t know if I still agree with that. I feel like it’s really corny now. He said those names were beautiful. When it was time for me to get off the train, he helped me get my suitcase down from above the seats and told me to have fun at my mom’s art opening. He had asked what I was doing while I was in New York for the weekend. The real reason was that I needed more Adderall (I am prescribed, but still—), and I didn’t want to tell him all that. And anyway, I really was heading straight to the gallery where she was showing her work. As I walked my turquoise suitcase with one broken wheel down twenty Manhattan blocks, I didn’t put my AirPods back in. I looked at all the people I passed. I didn’t know anything about any of them. And they didn’t know anything about me. And that felt good.

Bridges: a Sole Collection

Lucy Cooper-Silvis, Maggie Stacey, Luca Raffa, Mason Scurry, Jules Corwin, Maison Teixeira, Elsa Eastwood, and Desi Silverman-Joseph.
January 28, 2025

This article is the third edition of our collection projects, in which we ask some of our staff writers to each write a short blurb in response to a prompt. This edition’s prompt was: Write about a bridge. From card games to music to noses, we hope you enjoy our writer’s interpretations and musings on one of the most multidimensional words in the English dictionary.. Off Seekonk River - Lucy Cooper-Silvis Give me those folded bridges like calves tucked against thighs. Give me bridges gone to rust that would splinter like old bones if we lowered them again. Bridges a skyscraper devoid of offices. Bridges a ladder to nowhere. Bridges the world’s tallest trellis for kudzu, ferocious, devouring, and ugly blotches on the horizon. Fuck the Golden Gate, the London, the Roberto Clemente. Bridges neat and bow-tied and beautiful, bustling with neat and bow-tied and beautiful traffic. Bridges framed by rows of trees, fire-red in autumn, everything marching like order, order, order, good, good, good. Bridges so ready to ferry you—yes ma’am, no problem—from Point A to Point B. Bridges that don’t complain. Bridges built over inept bridges. Bridges forgetting the brokenness that came before. Give me those bridges more trouble than they’re worth. Bridges we’d rather not have. Bridges that put the fear of God in us. Bridges that groan, You fucked up. Bridges saying, I’m not needed, and only now I’m beautiful. Bridges that weep rust, like, Stay. Stay. Stay. Edwin’s Bridge - Maggie Stacey My 90-year-old friend built a bridge. It’s red, suspended between boulders, across a stream enveloped in thick dark trees folding into each other. The last time I crossed Edwin’s bridge, I was running through mud-soaked trails with my dog whose tail was tucked between her legs through the lullaby of the intensifying storm. Though the cold had broken through to my bones and my notebook was surrendering its pages to the caress of rain’s touch, I stopped to stand still in the middle of the bridge. I felt each raindrop land on my skin and I felt my heart pounding against the breath of the thickening air against my chest. I couldn’t remember why I’d been running. I ran into Edwin earlier that morning at the cafe in town. His face beamed with that Edwin-type warmth - the type that comes from a boundless passion for the world that makes one eagerly await every opportunity to spill discoveries of its beauty into another’s heart. I brought my tea to sit with him at his table and he told me the history of the French Revolution and then of France. My first tea turned into another until he said goodbye, he had to make his way home. Edwin’s my best friend’s grandfather, my mom’s best friend’s stepfather, my mom’s mom’s best friend’s husband, and my friend. On Edwin’s bridge time slows down, stops, and comes alive. Time holds my hand and we look together at the stream. Time is my past and my future and my mother’s best friend’s grandfather’s past and everyone’s future and no one’s future all happening together at once. Time stands over me and embraces me with the world’s song. Time sings the song of the leaves rustling, the creek rushing past rocks, the sticks falling off a tree branch. Time is here for sounds to become songs, for words to become stories, and for those stories to become mine to carry on. The Whee Bridge - Luca Raffa From the highway bridge, I could see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, even makeout the great Toronto skyline with my little eyes. The size of a teddy bear, I would close my eyes, shake my head loose, the wind lifting my soul, the tickle of childhood making me smile. Laughing at fear, I would throw my hands in the air, and from deep inside my tummy I would roar: wheeee! A miracle awaited me ahead: an ocean raging, shattering into an enchanting mist that rose up into an arc of a million colors. America was just on the other side. Since moving to Boston from Canada, my family would drive up to Toronto to visit my grandmother for Christmas every year. But crossing the Whee Bridge, I would keep my hands in my lap and tuck my voice into my throat. Stiff, I would nod at my memories in silence like strangers I used to know. The wind would hit my face from the window and beckon me forward. I was a ghost, entering a world of the past. It was a world that I had grown apart from, a world that had grown apart from me. But from over the bridge, I could still see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, could make out the distant Toronto skyline. In the bleakness of December, I would break a smile, rouge on my cheek, a crinkle in my nose, a tickle in my heart, knowing very well what this magic was all about. A Bridge to Paradise (Valley) - Mason Scurry I grew up in Montana, the northern heartland, the dusty soul of North America. I am wind- whipped wheat fields, a single-spiked mountain range (and then infinitely more), Lodgepoles stretching skyward. Under big skies, freedom is in no short supply. Neither is loneliness. There’s a bridge that runs over the Yellowstone River, parallel to I-90, between the Absarokas and the Crazies. It’s black, shiny metal, painted aluminum poles that criss-cross to form a tube around a train track like some steampunk rib cage. Mountainous, transcendentalist views extend infinitely through triangular gaps in the bridge. I know this because I’ve walked the bridge myself, jumping from rung to rung with the water roaring beneath me, proud I’d mastered my once-debilitating fear of heights. I was brave then, and because I was brave I was foolish, and because I was foolish I was free. And that’s what this story is really about, a bridge that’s free because it’s meaningless, free because it remains in Paradise Valley, but altogether lonely because its free. Gaps - Jules Corwin i. may i make you water under the bridge? may i draw the flesh from your bones and pull the fluid from your spine? may i curve you under the crook of your knee and watch as you lap along the shore? about sixty percent of our bodies are water. may we rise and fall in our tides together? will you show me each wave and ripple? ii. meet me across the bridge of your nose. step lightly from nostril to nostril. land at the cupid’s bow of your lips. bring me into your skin. let me dive from pore to lovely pore. let me huddle with your breath on my face. make me yours, please, i’m pretty sure i’m ready for you to be mine. iii. is each pair of ribs a broken bridge? bone winding around trying to touch the other only to be forever reaching out. iv. my grandma used to play bridge every once in a while. my grandpa played bridge and poker. now that my grandpa has died, my grandma plays bridge every week with a group of widowed women. their hands shuffle the cards, wrinkled and skilled from age, wedding rings still on, shining weights. v. how do i tell you that my feelings jumped off the bridge and you didn’t catch them before they hit the water? how do i tell you of the salty splash without re-enacting it with tears? will they fall from my eyes? will they pool in yours? who will catch the drops? vi. question: why did my mom cross the bridge? answer: because she can’t swim vii. in gymnastics, there is a pose called “bridge.” with your index fingers and thumbs creating a triangle, press your palms into the ground. push your body towards the sky and straighten your knees as far as possible. it may be uncomfortable to breathe. viii. we made bridges with our bodies, ached for our hands to cross every inch. we didn’t worry about what might be on the other side. whether it was sweet or prickly. ix. i used to walk down to the bridge between st paul and minneapolis. the lights on the other side reminded me that somewhere, people were dancing. x. the songs play bridges, croon across lyrics and notes. sometimes i don’t know how far the distance is, how many steps they count, but their words reach me anyway. xi. a bridge collapsed in maryland. and west virginia. and missouri. new york, indiana, mississippi, rhode island, illinois, ohio, iowa, new jersey, massachusetts, kentucky, pennsylvania, colorado, michigan, oklahoma, washington, wisconsin, south carolina, louisiana, kansas, georgia, virginia, florida, connecticut, tennessee, california, arkansas, alabama, new hampshire, north carolina, texas, minnesota, hawaii, montana, maine. thirty-seven out of fifty (seventy-four percent). xii. how many stones does it take to make a bridge? only one, if you leap far enough, maybe. xiii. our interlaced fingers bridge the distance between our beating hearts, and for a moment i imagine that we may feel the same thing. then your hand strays along the curve of my hip and i crumble. Track 12 - By Maison Teixeira I press play. I> The sound of a hand, frozen in time as it strums a guitar before I was born, plays in my ears. The guitar repeats the same two chords, four times each, over and over again. I leave my dorm room, descend the stairs, and make my way through the garden in front of my dorm. As I watch a squirrel scuttle across the grass, a soft, deep voice sings: “Underneath the bridge... tarp has sprung a leak... and the animals I’ve trapped... have all become my pets...” His melancholic words, sung from somewhere beyond this life, carry me through the busy streets. There is a distinct loneliness to his song, as if his voice is on the verge of breakdown. The world outside my headphones falls away, replaced with the sound of his voice and his guitar. The passing conversations, the birds tweeting and chattering, and the cars, whose drivers angrily mutter under their breath as I cross the road without looking both ways, all disappear to the bridge, the best part of the song, where the drums, bass, and the cello finally kick in. I make it to the other side of the street and turn a corner, but the road is closed, and there’s… “Something in the way...something in the way...yeah...” I look to the other side of the street. My best friend is walking in the opposite direction. II We smile at each other as I take off my headphones and cross the street, suddenly thankful that there was… something in the way. Crossing Over - Elsa Eastwood I read and reread Paper Towns the summer of our final visit to San Francisco. It was full of John Green’s characteristically cynical aphorisms, but one particular line lodged itself in my mind—one I couldn’t yet understand that was waiting for its moment. My family went to San Francisco every year. My parents grew up there, and they passed the city on to us like an heirloom. I remember the unfathomable magic of Fairyland in years when it was socially acceptable to sport striped pajamas in the daytime. Sneaking out just after dawn with my mother for focaccia at the bakery in North Beach, the old men hunched over cappuccinos and newspapers. Searching for pirates with my father in the dense fog. By the time my younger brothers were old enough to spell their names, we had done almost everything there was to do there. We met all of our Northern California relatives. We watched fourth-of-July fireworks from Aquatic Park and the wrestling seals in residence at Pier 39. We muscled our way through the entire Ghirardelli menu. Yet, one unturned stone loomed at the back of my mind. I remember seeing it for the first time—stretched across the horizon, cables fragmenting a cloudless sky. The grandeur of the muted steel, the romantic history. I sat long past my bedtime in the window of the rental house, gazing in dreamlike reverence at the millions of artificial stars that illuminated its sweeping limbs. How fitting its name was. How big and beautiful the world seemed. By that summer, the emblem of ingenuity had become to me a reminder of the one San Francisco milestone I had yet to conquer. It was time: I would walk the Golden Gate Bridge. The day came. Cars barrelled past. Every noise was thunderous. The five of us clung desperately to the red handrail, eyes darting between signs that warned, “The Consequences to Jumping are Fatal and Tragic”, “Emergency Phone and Crisis Counseling”, and “There is Hope! Make the Call!” My hair whipped my face until it stung. I pulled it aside just in time to see my middle brother wedge his body between two of the bars to catch a glimpse of the bay 200 feet below. “Donovan! Away from the edge!” my mother cried, her voice swallowed by the wind as she lunged to grab his arm. We watched as a particularly wild gust sent my father’s baseball cap cartwheeling through the air into traffic. A wail from my youngest brother pierced the chaos. I tightroped the line between speeding cars and fatal fall in silence. I felt betrayed by my vision, thrust violently into the truth like a toddler into a glassy pool. The bridge’s seismic hum made waves beneath my feet as I inched forward. I never thought I would succumb to negativity; the world had always been kind to me, my imagination always unchallenged by experience. But as I stood there, facing a 40-minute walk and the grim reality of my postcard fantasy, I understood: Everything’s uglier up close. The Plunge - Desi SIlverman-Joseph Jumping off the bridge was the coolest thing you could do when we were little. Addie was the first of us boys to do it. When he landed in the water, I saw my uncle’s face light up with pride. He pumped his arms triumphantly—as if to say, That’s my son! He’s not scared of no bridge. I still have the scrapbook photo commemorating the event. We stared, dumbstruck, as Addie climbed out of the water. My brothers and cousin offered congratulatory remarks, but I felt a pang. I sought that same approval—that stamp of manhood that can only be achieved by falling twelve feet off the side of a railing and into salty waters below. On top of the bridge, cars raced by, not aware of the feat of courage that was to be committed in their midst. I clasped my dad’s hand tightly and peeked over the railing. My insides sunk three feet. “Uncle Danny will be in the water to meet you,” my dad reassured me. He helped me climb up the two craggy wooden slats guarding the bridge. I stood on top of the railing, capped by a flat plank of wood so thin its width matched the length of my little feet. I witnessed the vastness of the ocean before me, blossoming out from my chest. My dad held my hand for stability. “You got this!” Uncle Danny shouted from below. My eyes welled with tears. “I can’t do it, Dad,” I choked up. I turned back toward the road, unable to look my dad in the eyes. I walked my wimpy legs back down to the seashore in shame and hoped that next year I would be brave enough. The cars still sped by overhead.

Maria Principessa: Un Sogno

Luca Raffa
January 28, 2025

I. In Campo, the ancient olive groves seemed to stumble up the mountains, as if they dreamt of touching the sky. Their canopies were thin. Their crooked trunks bent forward. Their thick, calloused feet sunk through the dirt. They sighed with the eastern breeze that carried whispers of the sea. A little girl wanted to disappear under these olive groves. While her brothers and sisters went to school to learn math, or grammar, or history, she learned how to sew. Her hands and disposition became rough. Life was not fair. II. Pepe Carino was a tall and handsome-looking man. His soul was big. His laugh was charming. His words were just. All of the ladies wanted him, but he only wanted her. He saw her one day in the piazza, knowing very well what to do. His cleverness brought her to him, and his passion kept her there. He cut her hair. They kissed once when he was sick. III. After boarding the ship which had waited for her at the port, after eleven days of floating in the ocean, after marveling at white flakes which danced in the winter sky, after getting married, after working in the factories, after buying a house, life became working in the basement on the sewing machine. It was cooking pasta for Joe when he called home from the barbershop. Plucking pears from her backyard in the summertime. Christmas and New Year’s celebrations. Family, food, sweets, cards, smoking, laughter. Taking care of her son Salvatore and her daughter Cora. Taking care of her grandchildren. Watching them grow. *** IV. In the mornings my grandmother wakes up from her dreams against the railing of her queen-sized bed, the other side empty, cold. She crawls, one foot forth, her cane like a scepter, regally guiding her to the bathroom. After showering, she wraps herself in warm clothes and an elegant scarf, spritzing herself with the fine floral scents of her perfume, combing her white hair softly. She peers outside: the sky is blue. She sits in her chair at the table, a cushion on her back. Her morning coffee is too bitter again, and so she sprinkles in spoonfuls of sugar, making a face of disgust when it is still not sweet enough. Someone might call if they remember her, but she cannot remember their name. Her name is Maria Principato, but her words do not flutter out like they used to, before.. Her lips stick together, sealed. Sitting down on her throne that faces the television, she spends hours in a spiral of thought. When she eats dinner, her chewing is loud, loathsome—it breaks the silence of ghosts that haunt her little bungalow. When the dark creeps in through the windows, she is ready for sleep. She puts on a white nightgown and crawls towards the edge of the bed. I can only imagine what this principessa may be dreaming.

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Nicholas is from Baltimore, Maryland who concentrated in English Nonfiction and Portuguese and Brazilian Studies. He has a fondness for his mini soccer ball, midnight snacks, reporter’s notepads, and the smell of books. He also likes to learn things and write about them. #goat