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Face Value

Stella Kleinman
November 12, 2023

There are seven types of face shapes: oval, round, square, diamond, heart, pear, and oblong. You can stare into a mirror until your eyes have different zip codes and your lips slope at a 45 degree angle. You still won’t be able to determine if your parents gave you a fruit or a gemstone for a head.I wear my father’s dark eyes on my mother’s angled face. My brothers got all the eyelashes and they don’t even need them.War. Blackjack. Egyptian Ratscrew. Blitz. Poker. You want the face cards in your hand.There was only one girl in my third grade class who could accomplish the dual Herculean feats of having an iPhone and keeping said iPhone hidden from our teacher. One time, when we crowded her at recess, she showed us a new website she had discovered: prettyscale.com. The page read “Am I Beautiful or Ugly? Am I pretty? Am I ugly? Why am I ugly? or not pretty enough? Online test for face-beauty analysis.” The website used “complex mathematical calculations” to rate faces from 1 to 100. She could upload pictures of our faces for us, if we wanted. One girl agreed, but the rest of us were too intimidated to partake after seeing her results.The social network is a book of faces.When I was in fourth grade, two of my classmates got into a fight over a girl. The first one started punching and the second one started screaming “Not the face! Not the face!”To fall flat on your face is to make a huge mistake. To have something blow up in your face is to make an even huger mistake.My roommate loses her jacket and claims it vanished from the face of the earth. What part of the earth’s face are we on? Are we slipping across the surface of the eyes or clinging to hairs in the nostrils? Are we sun-kissed freckles or an angry rash? How would prettyscale.com rate this face?If you squint hard enough at night, you can see a face in the moon, too. In Hebrew mythology, this is the face of a man who was banished to the moon as a punishment for collecting sticks on the rest day of the Sabbath. Germans think he stole a hedge, while Romans think he stole a sheep. In a Vietnamese mythology, the man in the moon, Cuội, grabbed onto a flying tree and was whisked all the way to the moon. If I had to guess which of the seven face shapes he has, my money would be on round.To face something is to confront it. It’s head-on. Do it. Go into the woods alone and face your demons. If you guys want to work this out, do it face-to-face. It’s also acceptance. Deal with it. Let’s face it: he no longer loves you. Just face the fact that you’re not going to win this race.“Face the music” was originally a theatrical term. Orchestras are often located in front of the stage; directors gave actors this direction to encourage them to look forwards, despite their stage fright. To save face is to retain respect, to avoid humiliation. To yell “in your face!” is to disrespect and humiliate another person.Facial pareidolia is the phenomenon of seeing faces in everyday objects. It used to be considered a symptom of psychosis, but now scientists think it gave us an evolutionary advantage.The sloping side of a mountain is called the face. In the Northern hemisphere, the north face of a mountain gets the least amount of sunlight, meaning they have the most snow and thus the most ideal conditions for skiers. For climbers, the north face is typically the scariest, iciest, and most badass route. Every lacrosse game begins with a face-off. The referee places a ball between two midfielders’ baskets and they exert enough opposing force to keep the ball in place until the whistle blows. You can watch the ball, or you can stare down your opponent through the bars of your goggles. Game face.“Have you seen whatsherface anywhere?” This one seems derogatory.There’s no place like a women’s bathroom at a college bar, and there are no people like drunk girls staring at their faces in the mirror. Eyes with smudged liner and lips frowning at the text sent to an ex-boyfriend. Eyes that light up when they compliment your shirt and lips that leave red stains on your cheek.My uncle once told me I have a great face for radio. I told him he had a great voice for newspaper.“I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that” - Lauren Bacall.When I was four years old, I fell head first off my tricycle, slamming the side of my face into concrete and permanently altering the trajectory of my front teeth. The only way out was three years of braces. When I got mine on, I was worried the kids at my new school would call me “brace-face.” Thankfully, the only person to use this term regularly was my mom.An actual exchange I witnessed: Person A: “I wish we could use emojis in real life.” Person B: “Do you not have a face?”FaceTime is a strangely-named app. It reminds me of “tummy time,” a colloquialism for putting babies in the prone position to encourage neck development. I don’t know much about astrology, but my sign is Gemini. Geminis are considered dishonest and calculating. Also curious and communicative. Twins. Flipping on a whim. Two sides of a coin. Two-faced.To face a blunt is to smoke it all by yourself.When I am red in the face, I am emotional, overheated, or sunburnt. When I am blue in the face, I am exhausted, choking, or swimming in a lake in May. When I am orange in the face, I have poorly applied a spray tan.A powerful, disappointing insult is a slap in the face.Tess Christian, nicknamed “Mona Lisa,” is a British woman who has gone without smiling for 40 years in an attempt to forestall wrinkles. She learned how to hold her facial muscles rigid whenever she was tempted to laugh and claims that she felt more elegant when she held a somber expression. I wonder how many people have made jokes to her and thought they landed flat.I wonder what prettyscale.com would have to say about Tess Christian’s face.I want smile lines when I am older. I want to look like my parents, even though my mom hides the gap in her teeth and my dad lies about his height.

States and Being

Stella Kleinman
November 2, 2023

Vermont: To someone who told me they loved me There’s a space for you to be here, but you’re not. Eight folding lawn chairs slightly unsteadied by the gravel in your driveway, watching Ryan stuff newspapers in the pyre. I’m leaning back enough that something is slipping away from me but I’m not sure what. His back is to me but I can hear the familiar rip of the match against its box. He will be striking it the same way he touches everything else—hard, carefully, and straight across. He will cautiously carry it through the night air, tossing it into a crevice where it can catch. The pine needles will convulse where it hits, and the heat will reach us before the crescendo does. In linguistic anthropology, there is this big idea called indexicality. A sign points to an element, one thing means something else is there too. The prime example is “smoke indexes fire;” you cannot have smoke without fire. I’m looking sideways at the orange reflected in Elena’s eyes, a koi fish swimming north across her iris, its tail flickering behind it. Her gaze is trained on the smoke as it billows and rises up and up and up until it folds into the Vermont sky. Maybe she’s watching for something to happen or maybe she knows it won’t. Maybe there’s something romantic in being completely and utterly doomed or maybe there’s nothing at all at the top of the tower of smoke and you were never going to come back either way. The wind changes silently and the smoke settles on me, scraping my lungs before stinging my eyes or skin. Something has gotten at me from the inside again. I don’t know where the smoke goes when it’s done with us and I don’t know why I never learn and why you still aren’t here. I am used to everything on top of me, to entities I cannot fight. You cannot have smoke without fire. We sit in our heads for a while watching the blaze. Flames swell like ripe fruit, ready for you to bleed them dry into ash. I’m thinking about destruction and its means and what it does to you when you’re the one doing it. I’m looking at a place that is not here. Months later, I’m thinking of burning you to the ground. When he was really little, my younger brother liked to poke at fires with tiny sticks, and when I think more about things that you’ve said to me and burns on calluses I start to understand why. You cannot have smoke without fire. Sometimes when I picture my father as a child, he is in the backseat of a car. His father’s left hand perches on the steering wheel while his right lights the pipe between his lips. The windows are closed and he remains quiet as the smoke fills the car. Or he’s coughing and sputtering and banging his fist against the window or he’s retreating inside himself or his journals or the lives he could have lived. What do I know about scars, about suffocation? I’m still in the lawn chair after the fire dies. Owls hoot apologetically from the pines behind me, unable to fill the space in the air. Later, I come to sleep in your bed. But I lay awake for a while, still and silent, watching embers dance on the backs of my eyelids. Alaska: To someone who raised me I told you I was going as far north as I could, as far up and over everything as you would let me. I said I was hoping I wouldn’t die but I didn’t tell you when I almost did. My older brother and I are standing at the top, wind careening into our skulls through our helmets. My father thinks the best thing about this place is the way you can look forever in every direction, but I think it’s the way nothing feels real today and nothing has been real until today. Here, there are pieces of rock and piles of snow and sharp points that no one has ever touched, that no one can change no matter how hard they can clench their fist or how fast they can turn to leave. There are bigger things. Sunlight tucked between snow crystals and valleys that will look you in the eye. There are ways down, so fast and steep that you don’t even feel alone for a second. Footholds and overhangs and ground that can slip and take you with it. The open ocean, almost. There is a lot of space between being wanted and being loved. I have always felt drawn to summits. I surrender my breath to elevation and watch everything shrink below me as something unwinds inside me. There is a new kind of intimacy, and it’s not whispers on the rooftop or watery eyes in the airport or hands around my neck. Your house or the latch on the back door. We listen for the fall, the frantic growl of slipping ice that tells us it is safe to go down. I think I could wait forever, hearing cold crowns crumble. The air is getting thinner and the days are dripping down in yellow and I am learning to let go. I am learning that a stranger is not the worst thing in the world to be. I used to dare myself to keep up with my older brother, to align my footprints with his in the snow, to mimic the corner of his mouth when he said something cruel. I used to swallow my breath when I looked down. I called myself a liar. I wanted to be wanted so badly I think it snapped something somewhere far away from here. When a slope fractures, they call it an avalanche. Everything is really loud and bright and fast and then it’s over. In some mountain ranges, including here in the Chugach, expedition companies hire avalanche control teams to trigger a slide before nature can, marking the area safe. I imagine men with orange parkas and thick mustaches casting sticks of dynamite into crevices the way Ryan threw his match into the fire. When it’s hit and begins careening downward, the mass of snow suffocates everything in its path back to base. But the site of the explosion looks smooth, soft, and untouched, if you don’t know any better. I am often perched outside myself measuring the space I take up. My pack is too tight around my waist, my heart too big in my throat. We look out and over and through the jagged mountains as they draw blood from the horizon. Blinding white snow rests quietly on each face, never quite reaching the tops. Whistles and taunts echo down from the bare peaks, tumbling over themselves to pin us against the rock face. The wind does not wait for listeners. This is how you always wanted me to fall. This is where I look when I’m angry, how I feel when I’m small. On the way down, I think about dancing in gravity, about unconditional surrender, about what you let in. Memories come later, stumbling home like drunkards. New York: To someone who became me I’m home now, in the place you defend so fiercely you would think it did something for you that it never did. Near moonlit ceilings you’d watch from your twin bed, knowing you’d be eighteen years older when you woke up. The path is dark and soft until it isn’t. Mia and I are silent, our sneakers softly pressing into the earth as we step over shadows of pine trees and finally emerge from the forest’s lips. I’s a foreign feeling, being spit out but not chewed up. The canyon arches its back below us, a murky blue ribbon speckled with rapids. Walls of time, cliffs banded with horizontal streaks, guide its course. Ravens soar towards stars we cannot see, tossing cries between each other. Spruces and evergreens beam from the clifftops in their summer glory, looking small from this vantage point. They line the bottom of these walls too, huddling in curves and climbing up the gentler slopes. At my feet, Queen Anne’s Lace flowers tremble in the breeze, necks extended over the canyon. I wonder if they shake with fear or excitement, and what the difference is. I’m laughing at silver and gold, running my fingers down their vertebrae. I think I could fall up into the sky. To my left, Mia’s dark brown eyes, shadowed further by her baseball cap, crinkle as her head tilts back. It’s not a gentle crease; it’s the kind of softening that can only come from an external power, from surroundings so crushing that you have no choice but to fold in on yourself a little bit. My father knows everything and walks softly with his head down. My roommate is very quiet when people say nice things to her. When my mother came to see me in the spring, my spine slackened and bent like a sapling in my her arms. This is the price you pay for things worth holding onto and places worth falling into. You know what I mean. Mia and I stare upwards, watching branches quiver as songbirds take off above our heads. I’m breathing in her laugh and thinking of all the secrets I told her when we were kids together and wondering what it would be like if we just stayed in August. Maybe there is a thing called sanctity, but it’s tucked in quiet river bends and scatters in treetops and sits on the shoulders of old friends. Maybe there is space here for you and me. One birdsong trickles into another and the rocks stand here for another million years and I can be strong even when my body starts to cave in.

Refuge

Sarah Crawford
October 25, 2023

Rooted in Pennsylvania soil, the House’s bones do not shake. Under stress she breathes calmly. And in bliss she rejoices. Resilient, weightless, she weathers storms with grace and shelters a family with ease—a boy, a woman, a man, especially a girl. Admirable is the House’s stability through each season of life. Unflinchingly and without exception, she keeps watch like a crow. Sheltering them from harsh weather and encouraging them to dream of light. Warmth. Their bodies sink into the sofa like bars of soap in a bubbly bathtub, and their minds wander like curious kids on a trip to the zoo. Stacks of mail to answer and calendars chock-full of appointments and pantry shelves brimming with ingredients to use before they expire don’t intimidate her, for she enforces no schedule herself. Like a mother, the House yearns to hold the family softly and firmly in her palm—the bed her dark and warm womb, the kitchen her chaotic mind. In shades of sleepiness and comfort, golden light pours in like molasses, warming their skin. There’s no war to be fought and no victory to be won. Fears dissipate from the child’s nervous system as the House envelops her in a warm embrace. As a fire crackles and the Eagles announcer’s deep voice resounds through the halls and ricochets off her walls, she looks upon the family and sighs in relief. All together at once, what a gift it is. To have them together, with no force pulling anyone anywhere else. When the world feels overwhelming, and all other places seem to be yelling, the House whispers. “There’s nowhere to be,” she assures. “Stay for a while.” Structure, limits, and expectations are regarded as the pillars of protective motherhood. Clear rules provide a child comfort and safety from danger and harm. Though these outcomes are inevitable, the mother strives to delay them in perpetuity in the best interest of her child. But the most successful nurturing technique may be letting a child roam freely without expectation—allowing them to experience life through a lens unhindered—releasing the child to endure life, offering an embrace when they come running for help, asking nothing of them in return. Through the slanted sky windows, periwinkle light sprinkles the floor of the living room. Hours later, no one’s moved. Onyx night flows in like thick, viscous honey. The deep richness of colors urges softness, relaxation. Doing nothing is okay, encouraged even. In all her nooks and corners—books toppling over, crammed together like sardines atop a wooden shelf, and countless unruly plants fighting to claim their territory on a coffee table—the House appears chaotic, but has herself under control. Under the butterscotch moon in the living room, they chuckle at that rugged hat the man is wearing. The clock dings eight and dinner’s about ready. So the girl sets down her drink on the wooden chess set the boy somehow made by hand (he’s innately talented). It perches atop the side table that’s been sitting in that corner for years. Giddy is the House when the family luxuriates and lounges, for this is when their best moments take place. It’s on the top floor where the boy and girl go from just siblings to friends. It’s where he confides in her and they hang out on hot summer nights talking about how he wants to ask out his best friend, and she says you should. It’s in the basement where time blends together. The spontaneous ping-pong game becomes the man asking how the boy’s truly doing, using parts of his lexicon only accessed during moments like this. It’s on the ground floor’s couch in a humid mid-afternoon where the woman is watching television and the air is still and she ends up holding the girl’s heart in her hands to ease her anxious sorrows and wash away her tears. And it’s on the porch in a soft moment where the woman makes space for what her soul yearns for, beginning a sweet embrace of herself after all this time. The House doesn’t physically do any of these things, but she saturates the color of every interaction. The House’s seemingly small corners form the backdrop of this unique life of four. A fabric connecting her moments together, tightly wound like a meticulously woven scarf. A prolific anthology of tender moments. Every day is a boundless stream of love. Ordinary love and peace. When they’ve flown the nest to mill about strangers’ faces, the House patiently awaits a triumphant return. Sitting in the railway station headed in all separate directions, tapping their feet waiting for the monitor to put up train track assignments, the House—she longs, she utters, “Don’t be a stranger.” / It’s November. And it’s gotten pretty cold in Pennsylvania. You’re decades old. Humbly sized and stable and warm. You don’t move, though you would if you could. You’d move with them wherever they go. You are decades old. You protect a family, a small family, and you’ve done a good job. You can’t say it, but in truth you miss them. Time suspended is your greatest wish. They go. Don’t tell you where they’re heading. You don’t weaken without them. Your door remains open. But it gets harder to resist the incantation. ‘I Miss You. I’m tired. Come home.’

Wrong Number

Hellie Chen
October 15, 2023

The slush of ice seeps into your boots. The powder snow that extends to the horizon belies nothing of the slick wetness that swallows anything and everything dry underneath. You continue to trudge through the crystal snow with only the ivory moon breaking the night sky’s monotony. It’s wet, cold, you’re a bit worried that you can’t feel any of that. You lift your head up to distract yourself from the hopelessness of the environment that seems to go on forever. Reflecting off the barren snow banks, the moonlight surreally illuminates the snowscape Two halves of an incomplete world; the moon drowns in an artist’s spill of India ink; your footprints stain the path behind you. You feel like you’re a splotch someone hasn’t gotten the chance to wipe yet. You stop the subconscious motion of patting your body off, letting the imaginary biscuit crumbs sit on your coat. You turn your head to the sky again and let your mind wander; the moon once didn’t stand solitary. You miss the stars. Were you inadequate to the judge of the universe – you and all those around you? Have you all chosen the wrong number in the world’s great lottery? You had never found out why the stars in the sky had disappeared, why the world had frozen into a desolate landscape. Someone above had deigned to let some light through, pricking little pin-sized holes in the massive fabric surrounding your planet, only to inexplicably cover them up again. Sure, you know you have changed. You once were human, and now—not. You don’t feel much anymore, but that is helpful. You don’t feel the biting cold nor the aching loneliness. You remember those things used to hurt. But, you think, there was something so human about that existence, something that once had inspired revolution and fire in your blood. Nowadays, something a lot quieter sinks in your life blood. It’s frigid, suffocating, the way you imagine engine oil might be in the winter months. It freezes you into something mechanical with gears and wires. You feel a tick tick tick inside of you that counts time instead of a heart. You begin to think of her. When you look at her, her work-worn hands, her reluctant smiles and gruff demeanor, her outspoken declarations and unwavering persistence, she washes the cold away. After all, she leaves a smoldering fire burning at the pit of your stomach, leaves you seeing red—robust, riotous red—and crashing waves of shard-like blue and eye-searing, brighter-than-the-sun yellow. She startles you. In fact, she frightens you. She gives you everything that can be stripped from you. You’re scared to lose what you call yours. You’re scared to lose the touch that transforms you into something that’s not so achingly cold. But more than that, you’re terrified of the reality where you never found her. Even if you’ll never see the stars above, even if you’ll never see her again, you could never condone this world for all it’s done to you, to everyone. You’re the last one left. One out of one. So you wish with all your might, that in the next life you might see her again, might have the time to do everything you don’t have the agency for anymore, even if that means drawing the wrong number.

St. Raphael’s: a Catholic School for the Agnostic

Words and Illustration by Malena Colón
October 9, 2023

Rainbow Baby I’m not religious and I’m not superstitious, but I know the twelve zodiac signs and I like to think my birth had some kind of symbolism. That I could live up to the name “double rainbow baby.” And the date that I came to be, 02/22/02, meant something because it was an angel number. That day, my grandma’s hands were shaking in the presence of a rainbow baby. But this story does not take place in a Manhattan hospital room. Stairs I will now shift you to a place that I can hardly remember but am trying to string back together, piece by piece. Something about St. Raphael’s School makes me not want to forget it. Here, I quickly learned to critique the world around me. I could proudly say I had never attended a day of church in my life to my fellow Catholic school classmates. I got a note sent home for walking the steps two at a time, instead of one, and I tried to bargain with God daily. I only attended Pre-K and Kindergarten, but it feels as though I am continuously uncovering memories that have long been buried. My mind tends to come back to the stairs, the ones I was rumored to have traversed quite dangerously. In the morning, after we said our collective prayer in the gymnasium, our teachers would lead the class up these steps to the classroom. When it was time for lunchtime and recess, they would lead the class back down to the gymnasium, and back up again when it was over. Like our shepherds, they guided our long treks through liminal space from destination to destination. One day, while walking up these stairs, I discovered that if I hunched my shoulders and sucked in a certain way, my uniform T-shirt would hang loose and hide the protrusion of my baby-fat stomach. Something about it felt unfair, that the other girls never seemed to have as much “baby fat” as I did. Why were we equal size baby, but not equal size fat? Then, other times, my mind would wander, and I would reflect on my newfound knowledge of numbers and letters. On these stairs, I remember assigning genders and colors to the numbers from one to ten. Two is green, a boy. Four is pink, maybe red, and a girl. I remember how one of my classmates, D.B., used to announce the latest news on his fluctuating romances when we traversed these stairs. He changed girlfriends so rapidly, I could never keep up. First it was someone else, then it was me, then it was someone else again. It would have been heartbreaking, were I to have actually had any emotional stake in this game. As for what these stairs look like, I tend to recall the image in a more metaphorical sense than a visual one. Zig-zagging, architecturally unsound staircases of some extra-dimensional, surrealist hellscape. Everything is superimposed by a faint but giant cross. Courtyard When we were momentarily released from our after-school program prison to play outside, I would occasionally spend time with my two older friends. I forget their names. They could have been third- or sixth-graders. All I remember is that they were taller and in some grade higher than me, which obviously made them cool and wise. One day, we somehow got to the topic of what our favorite fingers were. Mine was, I proudly proclaimed, my middle finger, because it was the longest and the best of the five. I stuck it out to show it to them. They laughed. Then they’d ask me the same question several more times after that, laughing even more. I was blissfully unaware of the source of their amusement, but the attention made me feel special nonetheless. The courtyard was a rough terrain of dark, depressing asphalt, livened only by the few trees that populated its edges. Desperate for entertainment, these trees were our safe haven, where imagination was allowed to flourish. Here existed our habitat where we were air-bending fairies. Here I contemplated the consequences if I ate a leaf picked from a tree. Here was the perfect setting for me to reenact the scenes of Bridge to Terabithia. It was a movie that both enchanted and haunted me. As I look back on it now, I realize it helped develop my respect for sad endings. The courtyard was a place of freedom. If I could escape St. Raphael when the sun was still out, that meant the ice vendor would still be there, ready to serve her magic treats to us eager children. But, most days, I bided my time in the gymnasium, waiting for my mom to bail me out. Gymnasium Pt I The gymnasium was my prison after school, as it was for the rest of those with parents who worked longer hours or who didn’t have the luxury of having a stay-at-home parent. Much of my childhood was riddled with this awful imprisonment, these interminable waiting hours. My friend A. would brag that her mom came to pick her up earlier because her mom loved her more. Better yet, A. also used to have a bad habit of scratching me and leaving marks. When I complained to my mom, her advice was to simply scratch her back, so that’s exactly what I did. My vengeance was executed wordlessly but effectively, perhaps more viciously than intended. It made A. cry. Of course, I was the one who got in trouble, even after reasoning that it was my mom’s advice. She denied all liability. A. used to have a huge crush on my brother, who’s a year younger than me. She called him her husband. They had many marital concerns (one being that my brother never really had a say in the marriage), but I consider none to be greater than her infamous “My husband peed on me” scene, of which the gymnasium was the setting. She announced it with a deadpan, serious tone, the calmest I think anyone could react when their husband has just peed on them. My brother also had another girlfriend (that player!) whose name was J. She wasn’t really his girlfriend, they were just really close friends, but my mom used to call her that. I liked J. We were friends. I occasionally talked with her during after-school prison. Perhaps she felt like the sister that I pretended to have. I was also given the chance to pretend that I owned a Bratz doll when we were given toys to play with after school. At home, my parents ensured that I strictly owned a Barbie collection, so in a sense after-school prison actually granted me a certain liberty. Eventually, I grew familiar with the after-school scene, with the people who I knew I liked and the dolls I knew I liked to play with. What arrived to interrupt my sense of familiarity was the influx of new inmates, the nearby public school children who we regarded as feral and strange. After a while, though, I realized that they were neither feral nor strange; I simply did not know them. As more and more of them joined us, I felt that my tiny grasp, the very little control I had over the situation, was slipping away. Classroom I don’t think I’ll ever understand why my parents sent me to Catholic school when they never took me to church. Maybe it was a social experiment. From early on, they instilled a sense of wariness for authority in me. They raised a two-step-walking skeptic. Perhaps I retain nothing from Catholic school because I was already so biased. Maybe the moment that I lost faith was when my father showed me and my brother 2001: A Space Odyssey. We were both terrified and fascinated. Perhaps how we felt about A Space Odyssey’s “black stick” is the same way most people feel about God. Awe, and fear. Except, instead of our colloquialized “black stick,” adults call it a “monolith.” How boring. We should colloquialize God. We should think of God the way we do a childhood memory. The way each person has their own version, but they retain complete faith. We hold onto what once was, despite knowing the details are faded — because it is ours, and ours alone. Maybe that means thinking of God the way my parents do. They don’t necessarily agree with organized religion, but they also look back to their Catholic days and are, for a moment, overwhelmed with a deep sense of nostalgia. It is this that compels them to momentarily regret not providing the same for their children. For providing what they say is a necessary framework of tradition and culture. Religion set aside, they believe that the Bible is a literary hallmark, a great feat in storytelling. I’ve never read it, but I have watched the Spy Kids movies 1, 2, and 3 religiously. And I mean over and over again. My eyes were absolutely glued to the TV screen. That’s what I’d consider a great feat in storytelling. I also remember watching Spider-Man cartoons from the 90s and thinking that they always looked so fuzzy because they were old. Well, turns out I needed glasses. I first got them in Pre-K, and I was appalled by this ocular dysfunction of mine. In the classroom, our teacher Mrs. R used to scold the boys for playing with fake finger guns. I couldn’t quite decide if this was right or not, and this was one of my earliest internal moral debates. It was 2007, 9/11 was still a sore subject, and she said something about violence and guns and God. I agreed, to a certain extent, because I couldn't see the point of their game and to be quite frank, I found it slightly annoying. But at the same time, I thought it was an absolutely ridiculous rule. Something about censorship and oppression and freedom is what I think my five-year-old mind was trying to get at. I didn’t think that God would find it sinful to just pretend. My first act of political controversy also took place in the classroom. That was when Mrs. R was talking about the president during class and I loudly proclaimed, “George Bush is evil!” only to be told that I had to “respect our president” by sole fact of his being president. I didn’t understand why I was being reprimanded. I was entitled to my own opinions, after all, and didn’t everyone know he was evil? And because I think I’m always right, I get absolutely frustrated when people don’t understand me. I don’t think my kindergarten teacher Mrs. L ever understood me. I remember her appearance as characterized by wire-frame glasses and a head of broccoli for hair, and I remember that her words were often meaningless to me. In the classroom, this boy named I. kissed my leg much to my surprise and disgust. I lamented to Mrs. L, who simply waved off my distress by saying, “Aw, that means he likes you!” Forget consent, she thought it was adorable. When I. used to follow me around pestering me, Mrs. L told me, “Malena, boys like to bother the girls they like.” I don’t think I ever succeeded in getting Mrs. L to recognize a single struggle of mine. Gymnasium Pt II The gymnasium, during the school day, was an altogether different place. It was a multipurpose room that served as a cafeteria and an auditorium. That’s why we traveled down the stairs to the gymnasium for lunchtime. Here, I remember briefly reflecting on why Mrs. L had decided to use the phrase “wake up and smell the coffee” to me. She proceeded to explain the meaning of the phrase, I just don’t recall in what context it came up. My memory tends to conflate this phrase with “stop and smell the roses,” and to be honest I’m not exactly sure which one was actually said. Perhaps it was both. Though I also vividly remember the giant “Got Milk” poster on one wall, which I tended to contemplate as if it were some kind of art piece, most of my memories here contain lunch boxes full of Lunchables, foot-kicking games beneath the table, and Fruit Roll-Up eating contests. I graduated from kindergarten in this gymnasium. At this time, I was already aware of my parents’ plans to move to New Jersey. It was both frustrating and frightening to think that I would have to remove my entire being from my current world and reimplant myself in another, to begin again as a “Jersey girl” with a weird accent and none of the New York sensibility I had grown to love. When I expressed my woes to Mrs. L, she said to me in this very gymnasium: “Well, Malena, at least you’ll have air conditioning.” I had never heard something so useless, so oblivious to my imminent doom. I didn’t see how that was supposed to make me feel better at all. Sure, it was June and the gymnasium got very hot, but that was only a temporary discomfort in the face of a permanent transition. St. Raphael St. Raphael school does not exist anymore, and sometimes it feels as if it never existed. I can no longer go back and revisit the source of these half-baked memories. I can only trust in my mind to faithfully recollect them. If I were to revisit these stairs, would they invoke the same sense of thoughtfulness and hint of rebellion in me? Would the courtyard make me long for lost friendships and innocence? Would the gymnasium be its own prison once again? Or would I simply walk through those halls and feel nothing but a resounding emptiness, that this place invokes absolutely nothing within me and my memories remain just as unsatisfactory? There is no way of knowing any of this now, and I guess no point in wondering to begin with. Upon a quick Google search, I was reminded of this, the futility of it all. Though I could hardly find any pictures of the old place, I luckily managed to discover this astounding headline: “St. Raphael’s Priest Allegedly Punched By Man Urinating in Church Parking Lot.” I have once again been forcefully made to move on from St. Raphael, and I believe there’s some trace of that little girl within me who feels frustrated about that. But I guess it is exactly how Mrs. L put it: “Well, Malena, at least you’ll have air conditioning.” Perhaps that was the beauty of her advice: no matter how useless or nonsensical it was, there was always some element of faith, of hope. Perhaps that’s what religion is. Perhaps that’s how I feel about God. Or perhaps that’s how I feel about St. Raphael.

Black Honey

Mariah Guevara
September 17, 2023

I’m going to have to wrap you in duct tape the first time. It’s as much for the nerves as for any practical function. We’ll wind it round the places where your thick cotton pants are tucked into your rubber boots and your goatskin leather gloves cinch around your elbows. Seal away any trace of skin, any gaps to the outside world. Reassure yourself—there’s no way they could possibly get you now. They most certainly can get you now, but let’s not focus on that. Besides the gloves, the veil is the most important part. Make sure the zipper is pulled as tight as possible to the side and stick a peel of duct tape on it too, for good measure. Watch the world become hazy and strange and gray beyond the wall of mesh. As sealed up as you’ll get, it’s time to go. Outside, you’ll find the heat and humidity of the Arkansas summer is nearly unbearable. The best time to check on them is, tragically, in the heat of the day, when the majority will be out foraging. Your fingers will swell with boiling blood, rendered bloated and red and clumsy on the acre-long walk down a green, sloping hill out to the hives. They’re three small, charming things—white boxes with wood-lined roofs to give them the appearance of cottages—nestled about ten feet apart from each other in the shade-dappled line of forest curving against the open field of my backyard. They’re all faced east, to better nudge the bees into action as soon as the sun rises. My hives are set a little lower than most, but that’s only because I’m shorter than most; they’re waist-high, for ease of access. The sound of buzzing is incomprehensible, loud at even twenty feet away but nearly deafening when you stand before a hive itself. I always knock on the side of their hive to announce my presence. I’d feel bad about disturbing them, but I think they’ve gotten used to my intrusions. There are terrible things that can happen to hives if we don’t check in on them every week or so—parasites, new queens born to wage civil war, diseases. It’s my job and joy to keep my fuzzy little friends safe. The humming inside rises to a high, whining pitch until I waft my hand across the entrance, my familiar scent floating within. The majority of bee communication is conducted not solely through dance, as you may have heard, but by pheromones. They have excellent senses of smell, with over fifteen glands for producing chemical messages to each other. I always wonder if that’s the reason they aren’t disturbed to climb and crawl and press against each other in such dim, claustrophobic conditions—it’s the only way they can spread their gaseous message so efficiently, the scent rubbing off of one small, fuzzy body to the next, traveling through the dark hive. They’ll probably find you and your strange smell frightening, may even attack, but stay calm; they’ll get used to you. I used to have to mummify myself in white cotton and gray tape, but all I wear now is a pair of old gardening gloves, my legs and shoulders bared to the burning heat of the day in hand-me-down cut-offs and tank tops worn thin with age. Besides, bees can sense weakness. Do you like the hives? I inherited my oldest from an elderly man at my church. He wrapped me up in duct tape, opened a box to a cloud of whirling, buzzing black and gold, and I fell in love instantly. He had wild, brambly bushes in his backyard, studded with white flowers, and I swear the honey from that hive tastes like blackberry syrup. The two other hives were birthday presents. I built their boxes and roofs myself, carving the slats of wood and drilling in eye hooks for the bungee cords bolted to the brick bases I laid one hot May afternoon; they’re so solid not even the tornados that tend to howl through can disturb the bees. The raccoons are another story, but those little jerks have opposable thumbs, so I’ve written them off as an act of God. We might have to use our hive tools to get in; bees are notoriously industrious, and I suspect mine put in overtime. Any gaps in the hive, no matter how small, are sealed over with propolis, also known as bee glue. It’s a thick, golden mixture of beeswax and pollen, less sticky than you would expect. Run your hive tool—a flat L-shape of metal with a sharp end and a hooked one—along the edge where the roof of the hive meets the body, wiggling gently, ‘til you feel it give away. The humming will intensify, excitement brewing as they realize what’s happening. Here, hold the smoker for me. It’s already smoldering, the fire inside slowly consuming the dried pine needles and leaves and tall, dead grasses we collected earlier. More bees than usual will come out now, upset and alert for threats to their beloved queen, but just give them a gentle puff of smoke. It doesn’t drug them, as that slanderous Jerry Seinfeld movie would have you believe, but it does conjure instinctual memories of fire, of danger, of the need to return home and protect it from whatever is menacing. When I lift the lid to the hive, moving with aching slowness and care, don’t be startled by the strange smell—cloyingly thick and sweet, but with something earthy inside. The smell of honey and pollen and wax and rot and new births and venom and sweat and dusty crumbling death. Bees cling to every surface, latched on with their clever barbed hooked feet. Do you see the ones with pollen clinging to their legs? There are a lot of them now, shocked and affronted at the sudden intrusion of fresh air, no matter how many times we do this. Give them a little puff of smoke, just to settle them down. Looking down, it’s a dark pit, criss-crossed by pale birch slats of wood. We need our hive tools again, repeating the same process of scraping away the propolis bridging frames together and plowing up the wax sticking up like so many stalagmites on the edges of the box. Don’t throw it away once it’s glued itself to the sharp end of your hivetool. Roll it into a ball between your clumsy gloved fingers and stick it into the pocket of your white smock. People always get the value of bee hives wrong. Sure, honey is great, and honey from my hive is the best I’ve ever tasted, but my bees are a little too delicate to harvest whole frames of honey at a time; I only steal tastes now and again. It’s propolis that’s the real treasure. It rubs into your skin like a dream, leaving it smooth and perfectly moist, no matter how flaky it was before. Two drops of food coloring and a stick of propolis makes the most lovely lip balm you’ve ever seen. People eat propolis in powders, in waxes, in supplements for all sorts of things—to reduce bloating, to delay cell damage, to prevent cancer, to ward off bacteria, to heal wounds faster. I remain skeptical on nearly all of those, but I’ll admit to smearing propils onto stings on the rare occasion I get them; it takes the itch away faster than anything else. Now we can pull out a frame of honeycomb. Put your fingers to the top of the wooden slat, making sure you don’t squeeze one of the tens of thousands of bees swarming all over the frames, your hands, up your arms, and gently, slowly lift it. It’s hard to see with so many bees buzzing around, isn’t it? They cling to the golden comb, to the wooden edges of the frame, to each other, tightly; it must be strange to be so close, so cloistered, then suddenly emerge into the open air. There’s a fat, heavy mass of them on the bottom, like a water drop seconds from falling off a leaf. They’re a hypnotic mass of activity, and every tiny action sends up a mass of sound, of heat. Even in the baking sunshine, even with most of them gone to forage for pollen, even through your glove, they radiate more intense, humid, sticky heat than anything you’ve ever felt. Your palms and fingers will be slick with sweat inside your leather gloves. Don’t drop the frame—though that’s more for your safety than theirs. Still, don’t worry. My bees are all honey bees, known for their sweet temperament and social natures—each hive numbering anywhere from thirty to sixty thousand. They’re of a more delicate nature than their cousins, the killer bee. Visually, there isn’t much of a difference, but I can tell either type of hive at a glance. Killer bee hives are much smaller, at only about fifteen thousand, and they’re meaner than wasps. I was once called out to do an inspection of a beehive that had infested the roof of a local school, and I nearly fell off the ladder when a swarm of hundreds came after me with roaring fury. My sweet bees will only attack you a dozen or so at a time. Once you have a good grasp on the frame, without letting go, jerk it down as hard and fast as you can. Their buzz turns affronted, confused, and a little ticked off, all at once—something like an annoyed alarm clock going off mid-afternoon. I’ll settle them with some smoke. Examine the frame for me. With the heaving mass of bees gone, you can see the waxy comb. Each frame is equipped with only a hollow outline of wood and two wires, stretched lengthwise across it. I put in new frames when the hive is outgrowing the ones provided, starting to build on the ceiling and walls, and they can fill it out with geometrically perfect hexagons in less than three days. Hold it up to the baking sunshine and look. There are two types of frames—storage and brood. Storage frames will be heavier, the cells in the middle glistening in the light with gold and mahogany and black honey. The colors jumble together, each different depending on what sorts of pollen the bee who made it used. I have a tiny wooden spoon, just enough to pull out a taste without damaging the waxen cells. Here, try some. I prefer black honey, derived from sweet pine and honeydew. It’s richer, thicker, more lush than weak yellow clover honey or brash orange citrus honey. Extending radially from the center of the frame, you find pockets of amber and gold pollen stored for later use, and then, at the very edge, bright orange bee bread—a processed mix of that same pollen and bee saliva, used for feeding the newest and weakest of the hive. Speaking of, it’s brood frames—those that hold developing bees—that are the real treat. Her Majesty the queen herself travels from one to the next sequentially, laying eggs into cells and carefully capping them up. Storage frames are just frames where the majority of brood has hatched, leaving gaping cells, ready for a brisk cleaning then fresh-baked bee bread. Brood frames are lighter, filled with the delicate beginnings of life in their warm, protected center. The bees are more aggressive when you shake them off this sort of frame; they don’t like being separated from their children. Hold it up. You can see them there, backlit by the sun—tiny, lumpy c-shaped silhouettes. Baby bees, curled up in their hive’s cells like humans curl up in the womb. They’re beautiful. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a pupa emerge from its cell, becoming an adult along the way. They gnaw their way out from inside the cell, the waxy covering of propolis becoming their first, nourishing meal. They emerge slowly, then all at once: huge eyes seeing pure light for the first time; wet, unused antenna peeling away from their delicate, triangular heads; fragile wings drying in the heat of the bees suddenly swarming around them, eager to meet their new sister. Even among thirty-thousand, the arrival of one more is an event to be celebrated. Of course, as we pull out each frame and inspect them individually, be on the lookout for anything that seems off. Scan the back of each bee for a shining red surface, like a wound just scabbed over, the size and shape of a sesame seed: hive mites. They’re nasty little parasites, ones that slip into cells with developing larvae and eat the babies before they can even hope to emerge. They take over the cell themselves, using it as a sick, parasitic breeding ground. Instead of new life, a wave of sickness and death emerges. Luckily, they’re easy to kill, if you catch them early. That’s why we have to look at every frame with such care, to turn it over gently in our hands and feel the rattle in our bones, to not let our eyes glaze over with the mesmerizing swarm of yellow and black. If we see a hive mite, run back inside the house, and do your best not to be staggered by the sudden coolness and quiet. (A few bees will follow you all the way home. Don’t mind them, they’re just curious.) Pull powdered sugar and a sieve out of the cabinets. All we have to do is gently sprinkle the powdered sugar over the hive, cloying everything with a white, sweet powder that makes the fuzzy backs of bees impossible for the mites to cling to with their cruel, suctioned grip. The mites will fall down through the open grating that lays beneath the hive. When we close up the hive, all we must do is slide out the tray underneath and throw the little parasites in the smoker. They burn well. Speaking of unwelcome guests, there will, inevitably, be a bee inside your suit. Bees are notoriously good at slipping into small spaces, and at least one will be curious enough to join you, no matter how much duct tape you wasted earlier. Don’t panic. Or, rather, panic all you want, long as you don’t breathe. Carbon dioxide makes the bees agitated, angered, and we really do not want that. One angry bee signals the others, a cloying cloud of pheromones that, oddly enough, smells like overripe bananas. (Do try to limit your potassium intake before you open the hive, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve told you that one earlier.) Step away from the hive, moving oh-so slowly so as to not agitate your visitor. She (for they’re all she’s, at least the ones who can sting; don’t worry about the men—they’re only good for reproduction before dying off in the winter) will sense that she’s getting further away from the hive. Bees have wonderful homing senses and a powerful instinct to return home whenever anything is amiss—introverts at their finest. When you’re far enough away that no other bees are buzzing around you with curiosity, tentatively remove the gray tape holding your veil in place and hold your breath, hoping she doesn’t deem you a threat—so far from the hive and still. With all luck, she’ll fly off, back on her merry way. Of course, there’s no guarantee this will work. Maybe she’s angry that day, maybe you smell too much of potassium, maybe you twitch involuntarily. Something happens, and, at that point, you get stung. Listen, I never promised the process would be painless. Anyway, stingings aren’t as bad as you think. They’re practically nothing more than a twitch after the first fifty or so. There are places on my hands that are permanently numbed and hardened from stings. It’s said bee venom helps with arthritis, that it ironically acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory—one sharp prick in exchange for a lifetime of ease. The scientists are torn over this, but every eighty-something I’ve ever met at beekeeper association meetings swears by it. At any rate, I hardly ever receive the flashes of pain—bright and hot and startling—anymore. Which is to say, my skin no longer swells after a sting. I think the venom is a part of me. If I am stung, the sharper agony is the loss of another one of my buzzing friends. They can’t survive a sting; all the vital organs attached to their stingers fall out through the dull nub of their abdomen. Their innards are more delicate than you think, stuck to a tiny thorn embedded in your skin, trailing after it, gossamer, like an errant puff of gray-pink cotton candy. If we’re very lucky, we may see the queen. Each hive has its own—Georgia, for the state we got her from; Nefer-bee-ti, for the Egyptian queen; and, of course, Eliza-bee-th, who has outlasted her namesake. I’m very glad bees don’t understand English, or I’d be afraid Georgia would be devastated by her exclusion from the naming scheme. If bees were smarter, though, I think the queen would be devastated by much more important things than her name. To the hive, the queen is everything. She is their reason for existence, the thing they must protect with their lives, the very reason why one would choose to sting and die—just to protect her. To her hive, she is a strange, otherworldly thing. She is the only one who can have children, and she does so at a remarkable rate, fast enough to sustain a hive of up to sixty thousand. She is nearly twice the size of her subjects, with a longer torso, bigger eyes, darker and more delicate stripes. Everywhere she goes, the hive shifts and rumbles in response. We can find her on a frame by letting our eyes unfocus, finding the place where all the bees move out radially, as if she is a great stone thrown into a still pond. Every other bee is trampled over carelessly by the others, without malice or thought, just as it too steps over others in its duties. No one would ever dare step over the queen. She is a strange, lone spot of sovereign stillness in the bustle of the hive. She is everything to her hive because, in the end, she is all they will ever know. She is the crux of the hive’s pheromonal controls, able to change moods and behaviors of the entire hive at a whim. They are addicted to her, unwilling to leave the hive for too long and always knowing where to return to because of her siren call. And, of course, she will outlast them all. A drone bee, meant only for reproductive duties, leaves the place of his birth within six days to seek a queen to mate with. He’ll die within minutes or hours of completing his task. A worker bee goes about her diligent business—tending to the children, gathering water to cool the hive, warding off invaders—for six weeks in the summer. A queen bee lives for up to five years. She is, to them, functionally immortal. She watches something like forty-two generations of her children wither and die around her, working themselves to death for her benefit. Don’t worry if we don’t see the queen as we look through the frames. A healthy, happy hive can only exist if there is a healthy, happy queen. At least, I like to tell myself she’s happy. I like to imagine I have something to do with it, even. The young bees, after all, cannot get used enough to me in their short lifetimes to be settled by my scent, as the hive often is. She’s the one who remembers me, who sends out a soothing pheromonal signal in my presence. Maybe to her, I am an odd, familiar presence, bringing fresh water and clearing out pests and smoothing the ragged edges of hardened wax away. Maybe to her, I am the strange, otherworldly thing caring for the hive. Maybe to her, I am the only friend she can keep. When we’ve inspected every frame, we have to put it back carefully. You can slowly lower it into place; I’ll gently push the bees out of the way with my nubby, garden-gloved fingers. It feels like joy when a bee vibrates gently under your hand, a jolt of something pure and primal and ancient, right beneath your fingertips. We need to push all the frames together when we’re done, making the job of building their propolis bridges back up a little easier for them. The wood is already tacky; it won’t be too hard, for such busy workers. Bees cling in my hair, on my shoulders, on the mesh of your veil as we lift the pointed roof of the hive together, carefully, slowly putting it in place, so we don’t crush anyone. Don’t mind them—they’re placid, gentle. Their buzz is low and soothing, like a mindless hum as you go about your day. I think they’re just saying goodbye. When the sun is slipping behind the horizon, when the majority of my bees are being called home by centuries of instinct, I go out to the hive, barefoot in the tall grass. I sit or lay down in the clover before the hive—heedless of the perpetually-muddy ground hiding beneath the verdant cover. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, listening to a rumbling buzz that drowns out all thoughts. The clover brushes my bare legs gently, the sweet breeze sticky and warm like a balm. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, goosebumps rising as bees fly heedlessly past me, inches away, as if I am just another part of the scenery, just another part of the hive. When I breathe it in, the air tastes like black honey.

A Summer Ago

Deeya Prakash
September 17, 2023

I remember my sister. I know that if I were to forget everything, I would still remember my sister. I remember water so cold it rushed through my ears and pierced the inside of my skull. The warm sweat that had licked our ankles minutes before was gone, replaced with bubbles on fingertips, drops on cheeks. I remember the way Jack’s hair looked when it was wet. He looked like a labrador. He looked like a lover. Suhani is my best friend, but when I tell people I spent my last summer with my best friends I never talk about my sister. I remember the way her face would fall, her pajamas just small enough to show the bareness of her feet and the anklet I helped her make from the thread of our old comforter. She’s tall like me, like our mom. I remember sprawling with her on the bed and playing with chalk in our driveway and that pretty color her room would get just before nightfall, the pink curtains casting the room in a peaceful glow. I remember making her lunch and then spending hours on Grace’s couch. I remember dropping her to swim and spending nights on Megan’s porch. I remember waving her goodbye and spending entire days in the park where I grew up, nestled in Jack’s lap. I remember come home soon and how I never came home soon.

Response Art

Libby Dakers
May 7, 2023

I am in fifth grade, and I have read all the books in my school’s library about Frida Kahlo. In her halo of flowers and vines, I see my own smudged marker drawings of ferns and petals. The monkeys on her shoulder lean into me so I can whisper in their ears. I admire the shadow over her upper lip as I trace where her eyebrows meet in the middle. Her intentional etching contrasts my blurred self portraits, where sloppy pools of graphite reveal where I contemplated changing my features. My mom is finally letting me wax my lip and the fuzz between my eyebrows. I can’t wait because I’m tired of these two blonde girls coming up to me chanting “mustache” with their index fingers beneath their noses. When I touch the channel between my eyebrows, the hairs recoil like the wiry legs of an ant just squashed. I think the hairs make my face look dirty. After school, I spread my markers around my lavender leather-bound sketchbook at the kitchen table. I draw dresses on wire hangers dangling off a clothesline tied between neighboring roofs. The buildings lean to the right, the gray skies especially hollow. My mom tells me my drawing looks good, but I tell her it doesn’t count because I’m basically copying Frida Kahlo. She says it’s fine because artists copy other artists all the time.

Murmurations

Sydney Pearson
April 30, 2023

“There is no single definitive explanation for why starlings murmurate, though most scientists theorize that the behavior helps protect the birds from predators. (Another possible explanation is that murmurations can help the starlings keep warm in the evening by recruiting larger roosts.)”– Søren Solkær for The New York Times, April 2022

The Daughter of a Father’s Daughter

Sofia Barnett
April 7, 2023

My grandfather on my mother’s side—my παππούς, my papou—was a traditional Greek man in many ways. He immigrated to the United States when he was 18, desperate for love and looking for a new start. He moved to Chicago, then West Virginia, and then Chicago again. He met my grandmother, a coal miner’s daughter, in West Virginia when he was 30 and they got married six years later. She was 18 by then. My papou spent the majority of his life running bars and skipping town, two things that usually depended upon the existence of the other. He was a self-taught businessman, handling liquor shipments, managing finances, and hiring “hot” women who loathed my grandmother—my γιαγιά, my yiayia—for reasons only known to them. My grandparents were a beautiful couple: the tall, muscular Greek businessman and his young wife. But like all relationships, theirs was not perfect. Largely because my papou was not perfect. Largely because my papou was violent. My grandparents had three children, my mother being the middle child. Two older girls and one pretty, precious, perfect, little boy. They loved that little boy more than they ever have, ever would, or ever could love anything else. To my grandparents, he was the reincarnation of Apollo, bringing nothing but joy and light into their lives. He shone brighter than the sun, blinding nearly everyone in his path (or in the case of my grandparents, blinding them from their two other children). This dazzling baby boy quickly bonded closer with my grandparents than either of his older sisters, the ones who looked at him with red eyes and steamy ears. ‘How could he have already made them love him like that?’—they used to ask. ‘He’s only two!’—they’d cry. That line soon turned into ‘he’s only five!,’ then ‘he’s only 10!,’ and even ‘he’s only 15!,’ as if it came as a surprise to anyone at that point. My papou hated my mother with nearly as much force as he loved her little brother, if he was even capable of putting forth that much energy into something else, anyway. But she was her father’s daughter. She was loud, rude, defiant, and too much like him for his own liking. This temperament would’ve been an issue regardless, but my mother being a woman certainly did not help. My papou believed that women were supposed to stay quiet and look pretty. Granted he prioritized the latter above all else, but the first still mattered nonetheless. My mother—young Petrina—was a spitting image of her father, and spat the same depravity. Everything she learned in her early life, although she’ll never come close to admitting it, can be attributed to the influence of her father. My yiayia has always told me this, ever since I was a kid. She says this because she thinks the same dynamic is at play with my mother and I—that I am like her in nearly every way. ‘The only difference is you work to change, my koúkla—my κούκλα, my doll—you want to get better.’ And though I have trouble agreeing with her, I know that she is right. Maybe I am more like my mother than I’d like to think.

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