The Brown University All-Star Team

Listen, I’m sure he has a name, but we ALL know who I’m talking about. I like to think this guy owns the tiny spot in front of the bookstore on Thayer Street. No sir, I don’t want your jewelry. He asked me that yesterday, the day before that, the day before that, a year before that, oh and the year before that one. Honestly, I think he even asked my dad on my visit four years back. There he is perched on the street like he owns it. Some may mistake him for the town mayor if you didn’t know ours. Wait—I don’t even know ours.

What’s really weird about this guy is that he probably knows more about your life than you think. I mean, he was there the day you purchased your first shirt from the bookstore and he’s always there when you’re in a rush because you’re late for class. I’m almost positive he’s had the honor of being your first “good morning” greeting on your walk of shame after a Friday night (apologies for personal PTSD I may have caused you.) He eavesdrops on your conversations when catching up with your mom on the phone, and waves to you when you’re trying to say hey to your friend behind him on the walk by. He patiently waits for you to cross ongoing traffic at the intersection where cars have the right-of-way but you try playing your own rendition of Crossy Road anyways. He’s the only obstacle on campus, but what’s most important to know is that he’s always there and always will be.

Carl is honestly one of those people you remember from a party the night before, and when you see them in broad daylight, it seems so out of place that you almost feel like you’re dreaming. The only thing different is that Carl is very real. Carl is extremely unpredictable and a one of a kind breed. Now, what do I mean by this? Well, have you ever been encountered by an old man in the middle of a sporting event, serenading you with a guitar solo? Yea—didn’t think so. Standing at a generous 5’6” with his New Balance grandpa shoes to compliment his platinum white hair, he is wandering all around this campus and I hope to God you’re lucky enough to encounter him for yourself.

Carl might be the hidden gem this school has to offer. If I were ever tasked with giving a campus tour, I would play the biggest game of “Where’s Waldo” in order to find him and help advertise Brown to the group. Carl is famous for his presence at any Brown home sporting event, flaunting his rugby shirt he claims was the “original” jersey he sported during his time at Brown. For context, Carl is a proud, and I mean PROUD class of ‘76 member. He leads the student section, heckles referees, and rallies the troops regardless of what the scoreboard says. I highly recommend going to a sporting event to find Carl. If you’re lucky enough, he may offer up one of his beers in a 12-pack from Metro Mart.

If you go to Brown, Department of Public Safety has definitely slid into your email inbox to tell you of the sniper sightings. And if you have no idea what or whom I’m talking about, consider me your DPS notification. Late night walks around campus on a weekday almost feel like you’re in a warzone. I know campus safety walk exists, but would you rather have Mommy hold your hand and take you from class to class or take the bullet like a champ and show off your battle wounds? You know what they say: No guts, no glory.

At least I can say that all the stranger danger talks at school warning you about the creepy van slowly driving next to you are finally being put to good use. That damn walk past Benevolent Street is where the car lurks in the shadows. If you have headphones in, are walking at a slow pace, or just simply look like a vulnerable target, you my friend are the next one on the chopping block. I think it’s safe to say I fit these qualifications pretty easily, considering I’m three for three when walking to and from the east side of campus. Twice I’ve been struck in the thigh, and once they fired a money shot at my head, but luckily I was wearing a hat.

You’re probably wondering why the snipers made this list. Though no positive impacts spur from their existence, they long to humble the students who may very well need to be knocked down a couple notches. Maybe I’m one of them?

To put it plainly, it’s one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type situations. Should I whip my phone out and take a video? Well, if your friends from home ask what it’s like to attend an Ivy League school, how on Earth are you going to have proof without video evidence? But on the other hand, if your camera is out for too long I guarantee you you’re gonna be deemed a “pervert.”

So what exactly is the naked donut run? Well, it starts during the long-feared late nights of Reading Period, triggering the mass movement of stressed future leaders of our world to campus libraries. This of course would involve students who lug multiple textbooks to their carrels for all-nighters and early morning cram sessions. But the libraries also draw the naked lurkers of the night to offer a sweet treat to those in need.

Secret until moments before it occurs, the Naked Donut Run has long been a source of excitement, intrigue and mystique for stressed students in libraries across campus. The special day is usually on the last night of Reading Period. During the run, participants deliver donuts all over campus, from the Rockefeller Library to the Sciences Library to the Center for Information Technology. Once inside the libraries, all chaos ensues. A couple hundred or so runners disrobe and hand out doughnuts in the nude. Best part about it? They literally will go up to you offering a donut, and stay there until you take one. Thanks to the Naked Donut Runners, Brown is a place where nudity isn’t stigmatized or judged, and there is always a positive reaction from viewers of the “student body” (both literally and figuratively).

V-Dub Backdoor: Don’t lie, if you run out of meal swipes or need to food shop off meal plan, this door is your best friend.

“Mike”: He is the “Mr. Monopoly” of Thayer Street. To clear all misconceptions, he DOES NOT own Mike’s Calzones. However, he is the one behind your drunchies and hangover resurrections while owning Chinatown, East Side Pockets, and Baja’s.

Archibald Basement: There’s nothing better than getting an indoor swimming pool from a natural disaster, right? Say it to the 37 displaced first-years whose rooms flooded this year.

MoChamp Deer: I really do think this was God’s way of punishing the procrastinators trying to study the night before exams. Leave it to the MoChamp Deer to barge into the coziest study room on campus and wreak havoc as it trapped itself in the main vestibule. No animals were hurt, don’t worry.

Hazeltine: I know in the way beginning I said I wouldn’t mention teachers, but when you see the 90 year old legend on a bicycle beating you to class, you know you’re at Brown.