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Bridges: a Sole Collection

January 28, 2025
Lucy Cooper-Silvis, Maggie Stacey, Luca Raffa, Mason Scurry, Jules Corwin, Maison Teixeira, Elsa Eastwood, and Desi Silverman-Joseph.

This article is the third edition of our collection projects, in which we ask some of our staff writers to each write a short blurb in response to a prompt. This edition’s prompt was: Write about a bridge. From card games to music to noses, we hope you enjoy our writer’s interpretations and musings on one of the most multidimensional words in the English dictionary.. Off Seekonk River - Lucy Cooper-Silvis Give me those folded bridges like calves tucked against thighs. Give me bridges gone to rust that would splinter like old bones if we lowered them again. Bridges a skyscraper devoid of offices. Bridges a ladder to nowhere. Bridges the world’s tallest trellis for kudzu, ferocious, devouring, and ugly blotches on the horizon. Fuck the Golden Gate, the London, the Roberto Clemente. Bridges neat and bow-tied and beautiful, bustling with neat and bow-tied and beautiful traffic. Bridges framed by rows of trees, fire-red in autumn, everything marching like order, order, order, good, good, good. Bridges so ready to ferry you—yes ma’am, no problem—from Point A to Point B. Bridges that don’t complain. Bridges built over inept bridges. Bridges forgetting the brokenness that came before. Give me those bridges more trouble than they’re worth. Bridges we’d rather not have. Bridges that put the fear of God in us. Bridges that groan, You fucked up. Bridges saying, I’m not needed, and only now I’m beautiful. Bridges that weep rust, like, Stay. Stay. Stay. Edwin’s Bridge - Maggie Stacey My 90-year-old friend built a bridge. It’s red, suspended between boulders, across a stream enveloped in thick dark trees folding into each other. The last time I crossed Edwin’s bridge, I was running through mud-soaked trails with my dog whose tail was tucked between her legs through the lullaby of the intensifying storm. Though the cold had broken through to my bones and my notebook was surrendering its pages to the caress of rain’s touch, I stopped to stand still in the middle of the bridge. I felt each raindrop land on my skin and I felt my heart pounding against the breath of the thickening air against my chest. I couldn’t remember why I’d been running. I ran into Edwin earlier that morning at the cafe in town. His face beamed with that Edwin-type warmth - the type that comes from a boundless passion for the world that makes one eagerly await every opportunity to spill discoveries of its beauty into another’s heart. I brought my tea to sit with him at his table and he told me the history of the French Revolution and then of France. My first tea turned into another until he said goodbye, he had to make his way home. Edwin’s my best friend’s grandfather, my mom’s best friend’s stepfather, my mom’s mom’s best friend’s husband, and my friend. On Edwin’s bridge time slows down, stops, and comes alive. Time holds my hand and we look together at the stream. Time is my past and my future and my mother’s best friend’s grandfather’s past and everyone’s future and no one’s future all happening together at once. Time stands over me and embraces me with the world’s song. Time sings the song of the leaves rustling, the creek rushing past rocks, the sticks falling off a tree branch. Time is here for sounds to become songs, for words to become stories, and for those stories to become mine to carry on. The Whee Bridge - Luca Raffa From the highway bridge, I could see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, even makeout the great Toronto skyline with my little eyes. The size of a teddy bear, I would close my eyes, shake my head loose, the wind lifting my soul, the tickle of childhood making me smile. Laughing at fear, I would throw my hands in the air, and from deep inside my tummy I would roar: wheeee! A miracle awaited me ahead: an ocean raging, shattering into an enchanting mist that rose up into an arc of a million colors. America was just on the other side. Since moving to Boston from Canada, my family would drive up to Toronto to visit my grandmother for Christmas every year. But crossing the Whee Bridge, I would keep my hands in my lap and tuck my voice into my throat. Stiff, I would nod at my memories in silence like strangers I used to know. The wind would hit my face from the window and beckon me forward. I was a ghost, entering a world of the past. It was a world that I had grown apart from, a world that had grown apart from me. But from over the bridge, I could still see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, could make out the distant Toronto skyline. In the bleakness of December, I would break a smile, rouge on my cheek, a crinkle in my nose, a tickle in my heart, knowing very well what this magic was all about. A Bridge to Paradise (Valley) - Mason Scurry I grew up in Montana, the northern heartland, the dusty soul of North America. I am wind- whipped wheat fields, a single-spiked mountain range (and then infinitely more), Lodgepoles stretching skyward. Under big skies, freedom is in no short supply. Neither is loneliness. There’s a bridge that runs over the Yellowstone River, parallel to I-90, between the Absarokas and the Crazies. It’s black, shiny metal, painted aluminum poles that criss-cross to form a tube around a train track like some steampunk rib cage. Mountainous, transcendentalist views extend infinitely through triangular gaps in the bridge. I know this because I’ve walked the bridge myself, jumping from rung to rung with the water roaring beneath me, proud I’d mastered my once-debilitating fear of heights. I was brave then, and because I was brave I was foolish, and because I was foolish I was free. And that’s what this story is really about, a bridge that’s free because it’s meaningless, free because it remains in Paradise Valley, but altogether lonely because its free. Gaps - Jules Corwin i. may i make you water under the bridge? may i draw the flesh from your bones and pull the fluid from your spine? may i curve you under the crook of your knee and watch as you lap along the shore? about sixty percent of our bodies are water. may we rise and fall in our tides together? will you show me each wave and ripple? ii. meet me across the bridge of your nose. step lightly from nostril to nostril. land at the cupid’s bow of your lips. bring me into your skin. let me dive from pore to lovely pore. let me huddle with your breath on my face. make me yours, please, i’m pretty sure i’m ready for you to be mine. iii. is each pair of ribs a broken bridge? bone winding around trying to touch the other only to be forever reaching out. iv. my grandma used to play bridge every once in a while. my grandpa played bridge and poker. now that my grandpa has died, my grandma plays bridge every week with a group of widowed women. their hands shuffle the cards, wrinkled and skilled from age, wedding rings still on, shining weights. v. how do i tell you that my feelings jumped off the bridge and you didn’t catch them before they hit the water? how do i tell you of the salty splash without re-enacting it with tears? will they fall from my eyes? will they pool in yours? who will catch the drops? vi. question: why did my mom cross the bridge? answer: because she can’t swim vii. in gymnastics, there is a pose called “bridge.” with your index fingers and thumbs creating a triangle, press your palms into the ground. push your body towards the sky and straighten your knees as far as possible. it may be uncomfortable to breathe. viii. we made bridges with our bodies, ached for our hands to cross every inch. we didn’t worry about what might be on the other side. whether it was sweet or prickly. ix. i used to walk down to the bridge between st paul and minneapolis. the lights on the other side reminded me that somewhere, people were dancing. x. the songs play bridges, croon across lyrics and notes. sometimes i don’t know how far the distance is, how many steps they count, but their words reach me anyway. xi. a bridge collapsed in maryland. and west virginia. and missouri. new york, indiana, mississippi, rhode island, illinois, ohio, iowa, new jersey, massachusetts, kentucky, pennsylvania, colorado, michigan, oklahoma, washington, wisconsin, south carolina, louisiana, kansas, georgia, virginia, florida, connecticut, tennessee, california, arkansas, alabama, new hampshire, north carolina, texas, minnesota, hawaii, montana, maine. thirty-seven out of fifty (seventy-four percent). xii. how many stones does it take to make a bridge? only one, if you leap far enough, maybe. xiii. our interlaced fingers bridge the distance between our beating hearts, and for a moment i imagine that we may feel the same thing. then your hand strays along the curve of my hip and i crumble. Track 12 - By Maison Teixeira I press play. I> The sound of a hand, frozen in time as it strums a guitar before I was born, plays in my ears. The guitar repeats the same two chords, four times each, over and over again. I leave my dorm room, descend the stairs, and make my way through the garden in front of my dorm. As I watch a squirrel scuttle across the grass, a soft, deep voice sings: “Underneath the bridge... tarp has sprung a leak... and the animals I’ve trapped... have all become my pets...” His melancholic words, sung from somewhere beyond this life, carry me through the busy streets. There is a distinct loneliness to his song, as if his voice is on the verge of breakdown. The world outside my headphones falls away, replaced with the sound of his voice and his guitar. The passing conversations, the birds tweeting and chattering, and the cars, whose drivers angrily mutter under their breath as I cross the road without looking both ways, all disappear to the bridge, the best part of the song, where the drums, bass, and the cello finally kick in. I make it to the other side of the street and turn a corner, but the road is closed, and there’s… “Something in the way...something in the way...yeah...” I look to the other side of the street. My best friend is walking in the opposite direction. II We smile at each other as I take off my headphones and cross the street, suddenly thankful that there was… something in the way. Crossing Over - Elsa Eastwood I read and reread Paper Towns the summer of our final visit to San Francisco. It was full of John Green’s characteristically cynical aphorisms, but one particular line lodged itself in my mind—one I couldn’t yet understand that was waiting for its moment. My family went to San Francisco every year. My parents grew up there, and they passed the city on to us like an heirloom. I remember the unfathomable magic of Fairyland in years when it was socially acceptable to sport striped pajamas in the daytime. Sneaking out just after dawn with my mother for focaccia at the bakery in North Beach, the old men hunched over cappuccinos and newspapers. Searching for pirates with my father in the dense fog. By the time my younger brothers were old enough to spell their names, we had done almost everything there was to do there. We met all of our Northern California relatives. We watched fourth-of-July fireworks from Aquatic Park and the wrestling seals in residence at Pier 39. We muscled our way through the entire Ghirardelli menu. Yet, one unturned stone loomed at the back of my mind. I remember seeing it for the first time—stretched across the horizon, cables fragmenting a cloudless sky. The grandeur of the muted steel, the romantic history. I sat long past my bedtime in the window of the rental house, gazing in dreamlike reverence at the millions of artificial stars that illuminated its sweeping limbs. How fitting its name was. How big and beautiful the world seemed. By that summer, the emblem of ingenuity had become to me a reminder of the one San Francisco milestone I had yet to conquer. It was time: I would walk the Golden Gate Bridge. The day came. Cars barrelled past. Every noise was thunderous. The five of us clung desperately to the red handrail, eyes darting between signs that warned, “The Consequences to Jumping are Fatal and Tragic”, “Emergency Phone and Crisis Counseling”, and “There is Hope! Make the Call!” My hair whipped my face until it stung. I pulled it aside just in time to see my middle brother wedge his body between two of the bars to catch a glimpse of the bay 200 feet below. “Donovan! Away from the edge!” my mother cried, her voice swallowed by the wind as she lunged to grab his arm. We watched as a particularly wild gust sent my father’s baseball cap cartwheeling through the air into traffic. A wail from my youngest brother pierced the chaos. I tightroped the line between speeding cars and fatal fall in silence. I felt betrayed by my vision, thrust violently into the truth like a toddler into a glassy pool. The bridge’s seismic hum made waves beneath my feet as I inched forward. I never thought I would succumb to negativity; the world had always been kind to me, my imagination always unchallenged by experience. But as I stood there, facing a 40-minute walk and the grim reality of my postcard fantasy, I understood: Everything’s uglier up close. The Plunge - Desi SIlverman-Joseph Jumping off the bridge was the coolest thing you could do when we were little. Addie was the first of us boys to do it. When he landed in the water, I saw my uncle’s face light up with pride. He pumped his arms triumphantly—as if to say, That’s my son! He’s not scared of no bridge. I still have the scrapbook photo commemorating the event. We stared, dumbstruck, as Addie climbed out of the water. My brothers and cousin offered congratulatory remarks, but I felt a pang. I sought that same approval—that stamp of manhood that can only be achieved by falling twelve feet off the side of a railing and into salty waters below. On top of the bridge, cars raced by, not aware of the feat of courage that was to be committed in their midst. I clasped my dad’s hand tightly and peeked over the railing. My insides sunk three feet. “Uncle Danny will be in the water to meet you,” my dad reassured me. He helped me climb up the two craggy wooden slats guarding the bridge. I stood on top of the railing, capped by a flat plank of wood so thin its width matched the length of my little feet. I witnessed the vastness of the ocean before me, blossoming out from my chest. My dad held my hand for stability. “You got this!” Uncle Danny shouted from below. My eyes welled with tears. “I can’t do it, Dad,” I choked up. I turned back toward the road, unable to look my dad in the eyes. I walked my wimpy legs back down to the seashore in shame and hoped that next year I would be brave enough. The cars still sped by overhead.

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Language Undone

Juliet Corwin
April 15, 2025

I was born in silence. In the first year of my life, my hands and my face were my only ways of communication. My curiosity was not limited by a lack of sound, and as an infant I absorbed the colors, shapes, textures, tastes, smells, and vibrations all around me. I spent much of my time on the floor—in part because walking is a skill that takes practice, but also because lying on the floor is the best way to experience the world. Through the floor, my body learned to recognize my father’s footsteps, a closing door, my sister’s excited hops, the calm ring of my mother’s laugh. I learned the different meanings of eyebrow and lip movements, which twitches meant worry and which meant laughter. My parents, both hearing, spoke endlessly to me, pressing my hands to their throats so I could feel the changes in pitch, the pauses in their words. I remember the warmth of their skin, the steady hum of their voices against my palms. They picked up elementary signs to teach me, pairing them as best they could with the words streaming from their mouths. My first signed word was “shoes,” two fists knocking together—sometimes I wonder if this wasn’t just an accidental bump of my knuckles. My pudgy fingers learned to fly. Soon my words soared through the air, my sentences sprouting wings, flying higher than my parents’ unpracticed eyes and hands could reach. But Mmy parents made the decision to raise me with hearing technology in the hearing world. This was by no means an easy choice, but the world has not been a kind place to Deaf people, and has been particularly unkind to Deaf women. My parents wanted their daughter to be safe, to be autonomous, to feel that this life was mine to create. *** I was one year old the first time a surgeon drilled into my skull. In a cochlear implant surgery, a small area of the skull is shaved away to create an indent in the shape of a tiny upside-down snowman, an exact match to the internal magnet which is placed in the indentation and cemented in with bone paste. Attached to the magnet is a string of electrodes, which are wound around the cochlea in place of cilia, the tiny hairs along which soundwaves dance to the brain. As a result of a recessive gene, GJB2 Connexin 26, my cochleas cannot receive sound properly. The cilia that transmit waves to my brain are absent, broken, bent, or lonely. Through two surgical procedures for cochlear implants, my cilia were replaced by electrodes spun through the spirals of my cochleas, which now receive electrical signals from an external processor. This leaves the bones in my ears without a job. I hope they are not too bored. There are three bones in each ear, named for a hammer, anvil, and stirrup. They bring vibrations from the eardrum to the inner ear by turning them into waves that can travel through the membrane and fluid of the inner ear. Their main function is to bring sound to the cochlea, which connects to the brain. The bones in my ears, dedicated to connecting my eardrums to my cochleas, must be very confused. Soon after getting hearing technology, my preschool teachers held my hands in my lap and I was taught to speak using only my mouth. For Deaf children that are turned into deaf children—assimilated into the hearing world through the use of hearing technology and verbal language—there is debate around continued use of sign language. Some believe that a focus should only be placed on spoken language, as it is assumed that young children will default to sign language if given the opportunity to use it freely. The first time a scalpel graced my skin it un-capitalized a letter, grazed my not-yet formed identity. The second time a scalpel stroked my flesh it cut away a language in my fingers. *** The human hands generally consist of twenty-seven bones each. Eight carpal bones, formed in a row between the wrist and the palm, five metacarpal bones reaching up to the fourteen phalanges that hide in the fingers. These bones are carefully situated so that the hand is flexible and can rotate freely. Two sets of twenty-seven bones working in tandem are used in nearly every human activity. My two sets of twenty-seven bones grew wings, flew too close to the sun, and were left stunted and slow. In my oralist early-intervention education program, my hands were not free. My eyes were trained to read lips and to maintain eye contact at the same time. I still rely on lips about thirty percent of the time, and more in poor acoustics. Reading lips is a skill that I tire of sometimes. Each person, regardless of their language, moves their lips and shapes their sounds differently. Each person I meet means a new pair of lips to learn. As a toddler I was presented with posters and books of cartoon faces squeezed into scary expressions, rewarded with smiles and cheers when I spoke and left my hands behind. Every year since I was one, I have been led into listening booths and told to repeat the words coming at me through a speaker until the heavy, sound-proofed door opens again. This process typically takes about three hours in total, and leaves me exhausted and drained for the next two days. I often grow increasingly tired as the tests go on, and I begin responding to beeps that haven’t played or saying nonsense words back to the speaker. *** I’ve always found it difficult to speak up. I’m not sure how much of this is due to being a deaf woman. I don’t trust my mouth to make the correct sounds. I am scared to take up space in the hearing world, terrified of what it may mean to remind those around me of my disability, of my constant accommodation of their language and lifestyle. Sometimes, a word will slip out of my lips coated in the Deaf accent I still sneak back into at night, and I will pray it goes unnoticed. I grew up being complimented on my clear language, on how invisible my disability was. My preschool classroom was a praise paradise, so I fell in love with hiding this part of myself. I was good at it, and even at that young age I understood that in order to succeed, hearing was the best thing I could be. I used to dream of waking up to noises instead of light. From a young age I knew I was supposed to speak up when I needed more. I was taught to advocate for myself, to explain my disability and to demand accommodations from reluctant ears and swatting dismissals. I was never taught how to say no to a man who was determined. I didn’t know how to run away from someone who showed me affection, even when he became an aggressor, attacked me in a way that seemed far too easy and familiar. Eighty-three percent of disabled women are sexually assaulted in their lives. I had watched a boy turn into a predator, naively believing that I didn’t make for easy prey. I fell into the hands of a boy on the hunt and found myself helpless. In all my training of how to gracefully need more, I hadn’t been taught when to walk away. Under his grip, my hands forgot how to fight as quickly as they forgot their first language, lay limp by my sides the way they were trained to. My protest, rough against my lips, lay in the air and settled along the dust on my cheek, pressed to the floor. *** When I was nineteen, a pulsing tattoo gun scraped along my right hip. A black-ink fine-line daffodil. I was in Minnesota, fighting to keep my body with me. I was a few months into my first year of college, in denial about the flashbacks that kept me awake and the nausea I couldn’t push down when I kissed new people. I told myself he couldn’t follow me here, told myself that was enough, and called my new ink a sign of how healed I was. Daffodils represent forgiveness and rebirth. A type of starting over that accepts the past. I was trying hard to be a daffodil. I wanted to be a flower, open and bright, standing tall on my stem. I wanted to cover up the handprints I felt along my hip with petals and leaves. The artist was rude, which felt unfair since she was dragging a needle through my skin. She started the appointment an hour late, glared at me when I presented a sketch of what I hoped the flower would look like, and silently drew her own version instead. Hers was much better than mine, and I quickly admired the purple outline along my skin before settling in for the session. She didn’t ask me what the tattoo meant, just told me to sit still. At one point she asked me, annoyed, if I was holding my breath. I was. Over the years I have collected more ink, sprinkled over me in whispers. Behind my ear hides a black-ink fine-line outline of the sun. My earliest memories are silent and bright. Fuzzy rays of warmth, dust floating and illuminated in front of a glowing window. The few mornings that I am left to wake without an alarm, I open my eyes to a shift in the light. The first moments of the day are my tired blinks and the beckoning brightness.

House Home

Anonymous
April 12, 2025

House, Home I would sleep in the woods every night if I could. To the times when the morning sun's motherly warmth caressed my face, which peeked out from the top of my sleeping bag. My eyes opened slightly as my ears were entranced by the Mountain Chickadee’s singsong tune somersaulting through the forest, and I threw on my jacket to combat the crisp mountain air. Unzipping the tent, my lungs filled with the purity of pine and burning logs coming from the small fire my father was nursing to warm up frigid backpacking hands. Later I spun around in a circle and pointed to the highest mountain peak I could see, stating that we must reach the top. Leaving the campsite we climbed higher and higher into the thick Evergreen forest; jumping through boulder fields and laughing our way to the summit where the sky was unlimited and all ours. We did snow angels in the July leftovers that we supposed stayed unmelted for the sole purpose of our moment above the clouds. As the sun began to tire and drop from the middle of the sky, we found a lake fed by waterfalls, gurgling pools twirling down a snow melt stream. There was a rock near the center of the lake and we knew that we had to swim to it. My mother smiled as she took out her camera and 1, 2, 3, we grabbed each other's hands and jumped. Our bodies paralyzed with the shocking cold, we gulped for air as instinct and adrenaline propelled us further and further away from the safety of dry land. We reached the rock and flopped down, soaking up the sunshine’s radiating warmth. Our hearts beat raw against our chests, our skin painted with goosebumps and mud. We wondered if any other humans had stepped onto this rock island deep in the Rocky Mountains or if we were the first ones. Our own little palace. Our own little world. One where we could write the rules. All ours. +++ She stood outside, her backpack coated with a layer of dirt and twigs that had decided that her pack was a much more sensible home than the mountain trail she had hiked alone earlier that day. Her head rested on the wall of the house behind her and she traced her fingers across the bricks, feeling the peaceful protection of where she had been break into leftover memories drowning in the corners of her mind. Her heart quickened in anticipation and she counted to ten before turning around, taking one final deep breath, and sliding open the side door of the house. The screaming echoed off the panes of the windows and she felt her fists tighten until her knuckles turned white. She hesitated slightly, eyes glued to the floor, before forcing herself to go inside the house. Mom, Dad? Go to your room. +++ In elementary school, my class would go camping in the mountains twice a year. I would pack my sleeping bag, sleeping pad, extra clothes, and a backpack, a daypack as we would call it. It was filled to the brim with everything you would ever need for any kind of mountain weather: sunscreen, a rain jacket, a fleece, gloves, a camelback, a sun hat, a winter hat, rain pants, snacks, and sunglasses. I would wait by the door of my house jumping up and down in excitement until I was taken to school. We went rafting down the Colorado River, biking through the red crushed arches of Moab, and backpacking in the Rocky Mountains. Returning with my face covered in mud and a head packed full of stories that would sooner than later turn into dreams. +++ She got to her room and shut the door softly, hoping her parents would forget that she was there at all. Looking up at the ceiling, the lights appeared to twinkle through the tears flooding her eyes, though without the comfort of the stars that blanket the mountain’s night sky. The walls of her room reverberated with the growing terror in her heart as she shoved a pillow over her ears to muffle the repeated sounds of strikes echoing through the kitchen. She wanted nothing more than to go but was too scared to move, sickened with the hope that her mother’s rampage would end before it was turned towards her as it so often was. That one day, the yelling and pain and tears would stop and her house could become a home. +++ Why are you in the woods? My friend texted me and I turned my phone away from my face, replaced instead with the dark sky and steadfast trees. I marveled at the fact that I somehow always ended up here. As if my feet carry me to safety if my mind starts to flood too deep into sinking swirls. Tears rolled down my face and I used the cuff of my shirt to wipe them away, softly accompanied by a lullaby conducted by the echoes of the trees. Because when you are in the woods, what does real life really mean anyways? Back to the primitive being of true humanity. Finding food and water and wood to stay alive. Telling stories you would never think to share if your mind wasn’t given the opportunity to wonder. Where the natures dance becomes your family and the trees your home. Please let me come. You are not a burden. Okay. And so he ran down to the edge of the woods and together we lay side by side, the stillness between us holding more than words ever could, the smell of moist wood and falling leaves lulling us into a safe security that tomorrow could never bring. +++ Sometimes she doesn't sleep in a tent but opts instead to sleep outside under the stars. The quiet surrounding her is a safe embrace as if nothing can hurt her as long as stay within the limits of the trees. Because no one is angry in the mountains. +++ In the woods I am home.

Inheritance

Deeya Prakash
April 1, 2025

Whenever someone compliments my nose, I flick the tip of it with my thumb and smile, not so much because of their kindness but because my nose looks just like my mothers— sharp, defined, just the right size for my face. I think about her mother and her mother and the mother before that, passing down flared nostrils and bony bridges until they merged and became the central feature of my face. I think about how humans have the beautiful ability to resemble. Animals certainly have their own version of such a thing, shark pups blossoming into identical copies of parents they will never see again and baby parrots lining their feathers with their father’s streaks. But the human ability to inherit like beads on a string is another sort of wonder. For how wonderful to see your eyebrows on your daughter, your knuckles on your son? How incredible it must be to watch your grandmother pass down what you thought was a scar? The biology of our nature is nothing if not incessant, and yet it passes me by like the morning news. One day I am flipping through old albums and I catch a glimpse of my mother, wrapped in a sari and kissing my father on the cheek. I’m struck by her beauty– the arch of her cheek, the swell of her chin. I look in the mirror and pause, fingers on my face as I trace her features on my skin. How wonderful, to sit here and worry about the future when there is assurance that I will live on. *** My mother loves flowers. She points out the hydrangeas and the chrysanthemums and those little yellow ones that bark like dogs, picking them off the stem and placing them in my palms. When I am young, she pulls them apart and shows me their parts, running her fingers over their pistils, their ovaries, the style. We both marvel that something so small can do exactly the same things that we can: make themselves all over again. My mother may love flowers but the mother before her lived for them, sketching them in her leather bound notebook with a magnifying glass in her pocket and charcoal on the pads of her thumbs. My grandmother pressed daisies and grew alstroemeria, raising her daughters with petals in their hair and pollen in their lungs. She taught botany at the school down the street and I bet she was good at it too, her wallshouse always displaying her meticulous drawings of the begonia and the marigold and smelling of the rosewater in her tea. As such, my mother’s DNA spun with daffodils and marigolds, and she inherited the love for botany like it was the crease in her brow. I listen to her tell us about my grandmother and the notebook and the carnations, and how they last the longest when cut and bloom bright in a vase. We walk on the trails of Cincinnati, Ohio, and she plucks the leaves of the borages and stuffs them in her mouth, telling me that if I wanted to, I could too. I do not know much about plants, despite the women in my life who grew alongside them, and there is a certain sadness associated with the idea that I cannot inherit everything from the wonders that came before me. My mother worships the Icelandic poppies like my grandmother would with fresh jasmine, and instead I walk to the local corner store, buying my mother discounted carnations for her birthday and hoping I’ve remembered right. I pray my daughter likes flowers, or maybe her daughter after that. *** The first time that biology stops me in my tracks is when I read about DNA replication. Sitting at the dining table and splaying out my work, there's a picture in my textbook that catches my eye, wildly colorful and speckled in shine. Forty minutes later I have learned all there is to know about the complex procedure happening millions of times per minute within nearly every cell in my body. I am aghast as my eyes fly across the page, conceptualizing the DNA Helicase that takes me apart and the Ligase that puts me back together, all before dinnertime. I stare, transfixed, focusing my eyes to my hands on the pages as if I could somehow watch this play out in front of me. The nucleotides rush together in a swarm and hold hands like old friends and it is then I realize that my mother is snapping her fingers in front of my face like I’ve just gone off and not told her where. The movement of her fingers transfixes me, because I think they are the same ones that were just I’ve seen those before, placed uponon my textbook and tracing the words on the page. My DNA may be replicating, but half of it is hers, reflecting in the veins of her hands and the lines on her palm. There is DNA that just passes maternally; within the mitochondria lies genetic material, exclusively passed through kisses on foreheads, tuck-ins at night. I like to think that all the best of me is from those swirls of traits, nestled between harsh advice and that face she makes when I’m wearing something far too casual for the occasion. When I learn about this, I want to split myself open and see the evidence oflook at how much she has truly given me. I’d imagine I’d see my grandmother there, too, and the mother before that and the one before that, curled up at the center of my chest and breathing me whole. *** It’s the night of my senior prom and I walk into my parent’s bedroom, giving my mother a little spin. She takes one look at me and breaks into a grin, the kind of grin that we know to mean that I’ve done something right. She places her palm on my shoulder and it goes up to my cheek. I lean into her, and she tells me I look beautiful. I smile, gesturing to the last piece of my getup: her diamond pendant. She unclasps it from her throat and drapes it across my collarbone, the two of us watching it glimmer. I tell her I’m glad I have a piece of her tonight. She strokes my cheek and says I always do, right here. *** There are flowers blooming on the green today and I wish I could tell you what they were. They curl in the breeze and splay in the sun and I’m reminded of my grandmother, her scrawl peppered over the drawings in my bedroom and outlining the anatomy of the purple iris she drew for me all those years ago. I wonder where she got it from, this reverence. I think of how she used to pray not just for my mother and me, but also for the trees in our lawn and the plants on the sill. I think of the carnations on our dining room table and the soft smile of my mother that means that she’s happy. There are fields of women who have been growing a secret garden in my veins and as I smell the flowers on the green, I cut my nose on a thorn. My mother’s nose, or maybe the mother before that, or maybe her mother or the one that came first. I bleed red with their love.

Little North View

Coco Kanders
April 1, 2025

Little northview, who are you? When I was younger you were love. You lived in the hallway leading up to my parents’ bedroom for a long time. I remember my socks skating along the wooden aisle in anticipation of steady, familial embrace, quick glimpse of you, quick warm sensation, quick crash into a shut door. I remember tiptoeing through the night and shamefully passing you in my failed attempt at sleep, you practically held their door open for me. You felt like an ode to the mother and child, to my mother. Were you a portrait of her pregnant with me? I often wonder. Nevertheless, through you, I felt her. Your image reminded me of my safety as I dove into a duvet of armed forces; you guarded the door. You were probably my second pair of boobs, after my mother's of course. Boobs and vaginas were everywhere growing up— interestingly, not many penis’. There are giant companion paintings that stand proudly in my mom’s bathroom: splotchy black and white strokes to form some semblance of a lady bent over (they don't hold a candle to you). When I was ten, while rummaging through my mom’s hair products on a playdate, my friend Merel Kanter asked if my parents were really into sex art. I didn't see anything volatile or inappropriate in the images throughout my house; I thought they were quite beautiful. I thought my parents were cool. I am inclined to believe that something about you should have made me slightly uncomfortable at some point in my life. Your full breasts and belly so on display, so perfect. There is something sexy about you. If I were inside you, logically, I should think you would reek of cigarettes and bad perfume that would suffocate my nostrils and lungs to a degree the smoke could never. The air would be sticky, your bodies would be sticky; I would feel claustrophobic for your child. There would be something sickly about the scene. Surely. But I don't believe this. Your hues are warm, red, and orange; you are warm. I think you would smell like the light from the window, it would be the perfect temperature, and everything would be a soft material that I would want to cocoon in. I, too, would strip my clothes and then lie my head on your belly. And close my eyes, maybe forever. I wanted to look like you. I wanted to feel like you— how you made me feel and the subjectivity of how you made others feel. I still do. I don't know if I will ever stop trying to. You are womanhood to me in a lot of ways. Then you disappeared. I don't know when you disappeared; maybe I disappeared. As I withered away, I forgot about you. I was sixteen, and my relationship with my mother turned from warm hues to cold ones—no more reds and oranges, but blacks and whites. There was no room for you to exist when I was intolerant of your symbolism. I began to try to become you in all the wrong ways, in the exploitative ones. In my defense, you were moved to the living room. I never went to the living room; I didn't feel welcome. Maybe things would have been better if you never moved. You were now the protector of my family's shared space, and I didn't feel deserving of your protection. Night after night, I would isolate, my bubblegum pink ceiling turning my juvenile room into a cozy haven in the warm light of my lamp and rose-scented candles. My stomach would grumble; I would cry. My mom would cry; my door stayed shut. Knocks after knocks, I retreat. I take hour-long baths, I watch confessionals on YouTube (sad girls mostly, coming clean), watch Mukbangs, read and reread Play It as It Lays, fold stripe socks, lose my period, and now I could never look like you. I needed my mother. I needed the love I felt sliding down the hall at maximum speed as I flew into her aching, oozing embrace. I yearned for the safety you reminded me of, which only she could tangibly provide. She tried, but I resisted. They all tried, but I kept resisting. You didn't exist. In removing myself from my family, I lost you. In breaking my family, I lost you. I didn't deserve you. Two years went by, and they had finally had enough, and I was moved too. Clementine, despite the name, was starchy, bright yellow, and smelled like kitty litter. The thick Miami heat only heightened the temperature drop upon walking inside the center; it was cold like naked weigh-ins, ventilated hospital gowns revealing my skeletal frame. Within the first hour, there was a pound of fettuccine Alfredo in front of me. My heart sank; this was so bizarre. I reckoned with my freakishness. What kind of person is punished with Alfredo? I was mute, fixed myself daily with a new book in the corner crevice of the couch, incrementally scribbling in my notepad horrible things about the other “clients”— they were anorexics, we all were. I only spoke to wail on the phone to my mom as I peeled their hideous yellow wallpaper from its already cracked disposition around the corners of the landline. I would think about The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman and how I read it when I toured my new high school at fourteen. Frustrated with my concession to the archetypal hysterical women, I roll my eyes, a lot. My mom would wail back to me on the phone; eventually, she stopped picking up. The unborn baby inside you, created out of maternal warmth, learns to feel herself uncomfortable in the world, unlike you. She tries to shrink, to disappear, but you can't help her; you try. You try, you try. Eventually, she picked me up. My mom and I bake. We make hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows everyday for snack. My mom threw out my levis while I was away. My mom brushes my hair and draws me bathes. I return to the capacity of a child. I return to the living room. I doe my eyes in acknowledgment at you. I feel it again. The empty aching in my heart slowly starts to hum with the contentedness maternity bares. Maybe I concede again. You protect me too now. The love that was concealed in dark wooden walls and hallowed winter trees starts to creep out of hibernation. I spend less time in my room, I spend more time around you. I never recover— I heal. I locate better senses of my womanhood, you bare light and hope. You endeavor to strip back fetishism and delight in the female gaze. You are my mother in many ways. You have the same tones, the same confidence, the same beauty, the same unbothered effervescence, and the same love. Both fierce and temperamental, polarizing. I hope to become you, I hope I am on my way, I hope you meet my daughter one day.

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Sole Magazine was created to provide the Brown community with entertaining and informative feature writing about true events, people, and experiences but without the stylistic restrictions of hard journalism. We aim to tell interesting stories in interesting ways, using techniques of characterization, description, and theme, while experimenting with structure and tone to produce creatively crafted narratives.

Meet Our Team

Nicholas Miller '24 (he/him)

Founder

Nicholas is from Baltimore, Maryland who concentrated in English Nonfiction and Portuguese and Brazilian Studies. He has a fondness for his mini soccer ball, midnight snacks, reporter’s notepads, and the smell of books. He also likes to learn things and write about them. #goat