Brown University's source for creative nonfiction

Featured Pieces

Bridges: a Sole Collection

January 28, 2025
Lucy Cooper-Silvis, Maggie Stacey, Luca Raffa, Mason Scurry, Jules Corwin, Maison Teixeira, Elsa Eastwood, and Desi Silverman-Joseph.

This article is the third edition of our collection projects, in which we ask some of our staff writers to each write a short blurb in response to a prompt. This edition’s prompt was: Write about a bridge. From card games to music to noses, we hope you enjoy our writer’s interpretations and musings on one of the most multidimensional words in the English dictionary.. Off Seekonk River - Lucy Cooper-Silvis Give me those folded bridges like calves tucked against thighs. Give me bridges gone to rust that would splinter like old bones if we lowered them again. Bridges a skyscraper devoid of offices. Bridges a ladder to nowhere. Bridges the world’s tallest trellis for kudzu, ferocious, devouring, and ugly blotches on the horizon. Fuck the Golden Gate, the London, the Roberto Clemente. Bridges neat and bow-tied and beautiful, bustling with neat and bow-tied and beautiful traffic. Bridges framed by rows of trees, fire-red in autumn, everything marching like order, order, order, good, good, good. Bridges so ready to ferry you—yes ma’am, no problem—from Point A to Point B. Bridges that don’t complain. Bridges built over inept bridges. Bridges forgetting the brokenness that came before. Give me those bridges more trouble than they’re worth. Bridges we’d rather not have. Bridges that put the fear of God in us. Bridges that groan, You fucked up. Bridges saying, I’m not needed, and only now I’m beautiful. Bridges that weep rust, like, Stay. Stay. Stay. Edwin’s Bridge - Maggie Stacey My 90-year-old friend built a bridge. It’s red, suspended between boulders, across a stream enveloped in thick dark trees folding into each other. The last time I crossed Edwin’s bridge, I was running through mud-soaked trails with my dog whose tail was tucked between her legs through the lullaby of the intensifying storm. Though the cold had broken through to my bones and my notebook was surrendering its pages to the caress of rain’s touch, I stopped to stand still in the middle of the bridge. I felt each raindrop land on my skin and I felt my heart pounding against the breath of the thickening air against my chest. I couldn’t remember why I’d been running. I ran into Edwin earlier that morning at the cafe in town. His face beamed with that Edwin-type warmth - the type that comes from a boundless passion for the world that makes one eagerly await every opportunity to spill discoveries of its beauty into another’s heart. I brought my tea to sit with him at his table and he told me the history of the French Revolution and then of France. My first tea turned into another until he said goodbye, he had to make his way home. Edwin’s my best friend’s grandfather, my mom’s best friend’s stepfather, my mom’s mom’s best friend’s husband, and my friend. On Edwin’s bridge time slows down, stops, and comes alive. Time holds my hand and we look together at the stream. Time is my past and my future and my mother’s best friend’s grandfather’s past and everyone’s future and no one’s future all happening together at once. Time stands over me and embraces me with the world’s song. Time sings the song of the leaves rustling, the creek rushing past rocks, the sticks falling off a tree branch. Time is here for sounds to become songs, for words to become stories, and for those stories to become mine to carry on. The Whee Bridge - Luca Raffa From the highway bridge, I could see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, even makeout the great Toronto skyline with my little eyes. The size of a teddy bear, I would close my eyes, shake my head loose, the wind lifting my soul, the tickle of childhood making me smile. Laughing at fear, I would throw my hands in the air, and from deep inside my tummy I would roar: wheeee! A miracle awaited me ahead: an ocean raging, shattering into an enchanting mist that rose up into an arc of a million colors. America was just on the other side. Since moving to Boston from Canada, my family would drive up to Toronto to visit my grandmother for Christmas every year. But crossing the Whee Bridge, I would keep my hands in my lap and tuck my voice into my throat. Stiff, I would nod at my memories in silence like strangers I used to know. The wind would hit my face from the window and beckon me forward. I was a ghost, entering a world of the past. It was a world that I had grown apart from, a world that had grown apart from me. But from over the bridge, I could still see the cool shores of Lake Ontario, could make out the distant Toronto skyline. In the bleakness of December, I would break a smile, rouge on my cheek, a crinkle in my nose, a tickle in my heart, knowing very well what this magic was all about. A Bridge to Paradise (Valley) - Mason Scurry I grew up in Montana, the northern heartland, the dusty soul of North America. I am wind- whipped wheat fields, a single-spiked mountain range (and then infinitely more), Lodgepoles stretching skyward. Under big skies, freedom is in no short supply. Neither is loneliness. There’s a bridge that runs over the Yellowstone River, parallel to I-90, between the Absarokas and the Crazies. It’s black, shiny metal, painted aluminum poles that criss-cross to form a tube around a train track like some steampunk rib cage. Mountainous, transcendentalist views extend infinitely through triangular gaps in the bridge. I know this because I’ve walked the bridge myself, jumping from rung to rung with the water roaring beneath me, proud I’d mastered my once-debilitating fear of heights. I was brave then, and because I was brave I was foolish, and because I was foolish I was free. And that’s what this story is really about, a bridge that’s free because it’s meaningless, free because it remains in Paradise Valley, but altogether lonely because its free. Gaps - Jules Corwin i. may i make you water under the bridge? may i draw the flesh from your bones and pull the fluid from your spine? may i curve you under the crook of your knee and watch as you lap along the shore? about sixty percent of our bodies are water. may we rise and fall in our tides together? will you show me each wave and ripple? ii. meet me across the bridge of your nose. step lightly from nostril to nostril. land at the cupid’s bow of your lips. bring me into your skin. let me dive from pore to lovely pore. let me huddle with your breath on my face. make me yours, please, i’m pretty sure i’m ready for you to be mine. iii. is each pair of ribs a broken bridge? bone winding around trying to touch the other only to be forever reaching out. iv. my grandma used to play bridge every once in a while. my grandpa played bridge and poker. now that my grandpa has died, my grandma plays bridge every week with a group of widowed women. their hands shuffle the cards, wrinkled and skilled from age, wedding rings still on, shining weights. v. how do i tell you that my feelings jumped off the bridge and you didn’t catch them before they hit the water? how do i tell you of the salty splash without re-enacting it with tears? will they fall from my eyes? will they pool in yours? who will catch the drops? vi. question: why did my mom cross the bridge? answer: because she can’t swim vii. in gymnastics, there is a pose called “bridge.” with your index fingers and thumbs creating a triangle, press your palms into the ground. push your body towards the sky and straighten your knees as far as possible. it may be uncomfortable to breathe. viii. we made bridges with our bodies, ached for our hands to cross every inch. we didn’t worry about what might be on the other side. whether it was sweet or prickly. ix. i used to walk down to the bridge between st paul and minneapolis. the lights on the other side reminded me that somewhere, people were dancing. x. the songs play bridges, croon across lyrics and notes. sometimes i don’t know how far the distance is, how many steps they count, but their words reach me anyway. xi. a bridge collapsed in maryland. and west virginia. and missouri. new york, indiana, mississippi, rhode island, illinois, ohio, iowa, new jersey, massachusetts, kentucky, pennsylvania, colorado, michigan, oklahoma, washington, wisconsin, south carolina, louisiana, kansas, georgia, virginia, florida, connecticut, tennessee, california, arkansas, alabama, new hampshire, north carolina, texas, minnesota, hawaii, montana, maine. thirty-seven out of fifty (seventy-four percent). xii. how many stones does it take to make a bridge? only one, if you leap far enough, maybe. xiii. our interlaced fingers bridge the distance between our beating hearts, and for a moment i imagine that we may feel the same thing. then your hand strays along the curve of my hip and i crumble. Track 12 - By Maison Teixeira I press play. I> The sound of a hand, frozen in time as it strums a guitar before I was born, plays in my ears. The guitar repeats the same two chords, four times each, over and over again. I leave my dorm room, descend the stairs, and make my way through the garden in front of my dorm. As I watch a squirrel scuttle across the grass, a soft, deep voice sings: “Underneath the bridge... tarp has sprung a leak... and the animals I’ve trapped... have all become my pets...” His melancholic words, sung from somewhere beyond this life, carry me through the busy streets. There is a distinct loneliness to his song, as if his voice is on the verge of breakdown. The world outside my headphones falls away, replaced with the sound of his voice and his guitar. The passing conversations, the birds tweeting and chattering, and the cars, whose drivers angrily mutter under their breath as I cross the road without looking both ways, all disappear to the bridge, the best part of the song, where the drums, bass, and the cello finally kick in. I make it to the other side of the street and turn a corner, but the road is closed, and there’s… “Something in the way...something in the way...yeah...” I look to the other side of the street. My best friend is walking in the opposite direction. II We smile at each other as I take off my headphones and cross the street, suddenly thankful that there was… something in the way. Crossing Over - Elsa Eastwood I read and reread Paper Towns the summer of our final visit to San Francisco. It was full of John Green’s characteristically cynical aphorisms, but one particular line lodged itself in my mind—one I couldn’t yet understand that was waiting for its moment. My family went to San Francisco every year. My parents grew up there, and they passed the city on to us like an heirloom. I remember the unfathomable magic of Fairyland in years when it was socially acceptable to sport striped pajamas in the daytime. Sneaking out just after dawn with my mother for focaccia at the bakery in North Beach, the old men hunched over cappuccinos and newspapers. Searching for pirates with my father in the dense fog. By the time my younger brothers were old enough to spell their names, we had done almost everything there was to do there. We met all of our Northern California relatives. We watched fourth-of-July fireworks from Aquatic Park and the wrestling seals in residence at Pier 39. We muscled our way through the entire Ghirardelli menu. Yet, one unturned stone loomed at the back of my mind. I remember seeing it for the first time—stretched across the horizon, cables fragmenting a cloudless sky. The grandeur of the muted steel, the romantic history. I sat long past my bedtime in the window of the rental house, gazing in dreamlike reverence at the millions of artificial stars that illuminated its sweeping limbs. How fitting its name was. How big and beautiful the world seemed. By that summer, the emblem of ingenuity had become to me a reminder of the one San Francisco milestone I had yet to conquer. It was time: I would walk the Golden Gate Bridge. The day came. Cars barrelled past. Every noise was thunderous. The five of us clung desperately to the red handrail, eyes darting between signs that warned, “The Consequences to Jumping are Fatal and Tragic”, “Emergency Phone and Crisis Counseling”, and “There is Hope! Make the Call!” My hair whipped my face until it stung. I pulled it aside just in time to see my middle brother wedge his body between two of the bars to catch a glimpse of the bay 200 feet below. “Donovan! Away from the edge!” my mother cried, her voice swallowed by the wind as she lunged to grab his arm. We watched as a particularly wild gust sent my father’s baseball cap cartwheeling through the air into traffic. A wail from my youngest brother pierced the chaos. I tightroped the line between speeding cars and fatal fall in silence. I felt betrayed by my vision, thrust violently into the truth like a toddler into a glassy pool. The bridge’s seismic hum made waves beneath my feet as I inched forward. I never thought I would succumb to negativity; the world had always been kind to me, my imagination always unchallenged by experience. But as I stood there, facing a 40-minute walk and the grim reality of my postcard fantasy, I understood: Everything’s uglier up close. The Plunge - Desi SIlverman-Joseph Jumping off the bridge was the coolest thing you could do when we were little. Addie was the first of us boys to do it. When he landed in the water, I saw my uncle’s face light up with pride. He pumped his arms triumphantly—as if to say, That’s my son! He’s not scared of no bridge. I still have the scrapbook photo commemorating the event. We stared, dumbstruck, as Addie climbed out of the water. My brothers and cousin offered congratulatory remarks, but I felt a pang. I sought that same approval—that stamp of manhood that can only be achieved by falling twelve feet off the side of a railing and into salty waters below. On top of the bridge, cars raced by, not aware of the feat of courage that was to be committed in their midst. I clasped my dad’s hand tightly and peeked over the railing. My insides sunk three feet. “Uncle Danny will be in the water to meet you,” my dad reassured me. He helped me climb up the two craggy wooden slats guarding the bridge. I stood on top of the railing, capped by a flat plank of wood so thin its width matched the length of my little feet. I witnessed the vastness of the ocean before me, blossoming out from my chest. My dad held my hand for stability. “You got this!” Uncle Danny shouted from below. My eyes welled with tears. “I can’t do it, Dad,” I choked up. I turned back toward the road, unable to look my dad in the eyes. I walked my wimpy legs back down to the seashore in shame and hoped that next year I would be brave enough. The cars still sped by overhead.

Most Recent

Most Recent

Clean Hair, Dirty Laptop

Mayrav Estrin
March 4, 2025

I let out a couple of lame huffs and watch my hot breath briefly condensate on my laptop screen. As I wipe my screen down with the tank top that I wore last night to sleep that was still on my bed, I notice today’s date at the top of the screen. November 3, 2024. That means it’s two days until the election, and it’s been exactly a month since National Boyfriend Day, which occurs on October 3; it’s sort of like February 14, but a little more on the nose. I remember my friend called me crying that day. It made me sad, and I wished I could have given her a boyfriend to make her feel better. My screen doesn’t look cleaner after I rub it with the tank top. It actually looks worse. I have a thing about cleaning my laptop—nothing deep; I just hate doing it. It looks so bad that often people tell me I should clean it. I always laugh and say, “I know.” I secretly wish that one of those people who cared enough to comment on it would just clean it for me. It’s kind of weird because my room is very clean, and showering is one of my favorite parts of the day. I don’t need someone to clean my bedroom or tell me to do it; I find vacuuming the floor and wiping the surfaces down with my grapefruit-scented multi-purpose cleaner satisfying. I also don’t need someone to tell me to clean myself. I love my shower routine consisting of lavender soap and body scrubs with a scent I imagine they’d have in a resort in Cancun. I notice I go through my shower products faster than my three roommates. I think I clean my room more and do more laundry than they do as well. They are not messy people, I just like clean things more than them, I guess. It makes me feel good. Put-together. Something like that. But I don’t want to clean my laptop. I am hyper-aware of other people’s computers, and I know (against my will but also completely by free will because I’m nosy) that they are always cleaner than mine. Always. Which means I really need to stop my little cleaning superiority complex. It’s cringe. And it makes no sense. A week ago in this one class I despise, a girl told me to clean my laptop and I was especially embarrassed because she saw me actively not taking notes in the lecture. One of my best friends taught me that “embarrassment is a choice.” Which is accurate, but truthfully, I was kind of embarrassed. This wasn’t someone I knew well. I thought to myself, “Well, she doesn’t even know how meticulous I am about changing my pillowcases and taking off my nail polish when it’s chipped.” As though her telling me to clean my laptop screen, which I do believe was a comment that had my best interest at heart, meant I was gross and dirty. I was reading an article about how you can get mercury poisoning from eating farmed salmon. I quietly laughed and smiled at her, “I know.” I said as I took mental notes about how I was never going to eat farmed salmon and that she should keep her eyes to herself. I chewed my gum a little faster. But it’s not like the remark made me want to change my ways. Does that mean I’m not a sheep or just stubborn? I still didn’t clean the screen. I could have, though. I remember later that day buying purple shampoo for my hair, which I dyed blonde with tin foil, at CVS. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the canned laptop cleaner people inhale like drugs. But I didn’t need to buy it, it wasn’t an emergency. My hair looking brassy was more important. I didn’t want to go into the aisle with phone chargers and extension cords anyway, I felt far more at home in the hair care aisle. I like the feeling of being surrounded by colorful bottles arranged by brand. I even like the fluorescent lighting and grey carpeting. I compared and contrasted the shampoos, even whipping out my phone to see if the ones I picked out had good reviews on Reddit. When I was leaving the store, I saw the laptop cleaner again. The receipt clutched in my hand evidence of what I truly cared about. Maybe I didn’t care about technological cleansing because it wasn’t a part of my physical. Was I that shallow? On my walk home, I tried to justify it. I mean, who cares if my screen is dirty? But greasy, brassy hair? Forget about it. I wondered if my hair was super greasy and brassy and if other people would comment on it the way they did my computer. I bet they wouldn’t. It takes a rare person to actually say that to you. Most people are scared to say something critical about how you look to your face. No one wants to get canceled nowadays. I’m not really any better, though. I mean, I probably wouldn’t tell someone their hair looked greasy and brassy to their face. And I also probably wouldn’t tell someone their computer screen was dirty, because I literally don’t care about that at all. A minute away from my apartment, I wondered if I ever will. I also wondered if I was a bad person for laughing after seeing a photo on Instagram of a girl who bullied me in middle school who got fat. But no one knows that, so I guess I’m safe. It’s hypocritical to be phobic of greasy hair but unafraid of a dirty laptop screen, right? It’s technically not, but something about it is just really stupid and superficial. My inner monologue about clean hair vs. a clean computer makes me feel like it was time to come to terms with who I truly am: a massive hypocrite. I can be a hypocritical person. That’s just my truth. What I like doing and don’t like doing doesn’t always make logical sense, even to me. Sometimes, I think about the choices I’ve made throughout my life, big and small, and I confuse myself. It doesn’t quite all add up. I feel like I’m always surprising myself a little bit, but does that actually make me unapologetically myself? Maybe that’s just what it means to be a human. Maybe it’s good that I can’t always predict my choices because other people can’t, either. It’s not like anyone has ever said that life is predictable. So, should I be predictable to myself? I do predict, though, that one day, my frontal lobe will fully develop, and I will start cleaning my technological products. And caring less about brassy hair. And less about what people think. And that a clean computer will make me feel good and put together. Something like that.

What Might Have He Wrought

Mizuki Kai
March 4, 2025

1. I often dream of running away. It involves a frantic chase and my aerial escape where my feet become metal wings that wearily push me to the sky. I struggle in the atmosphere, kicking air until, like Icarus, I fall to the ground and suddenly I am awake, lying face down on my bed in New York City on a July 25th. The day is starting anew. This world moves fast, and only with this free fall can I catch up to what eludes me. I insist that this is liberation; some may call it “letting go.” I try to outrun my thoughts because thinking too hard is my ultimate demise. I put on my black slacks and black blazer, slip on my black kitten heels and catwalk my way to the Union Square station. The humidity is viscous enough to hold my weight if I were to fly. Instead, I sink deeper into the underground, shuffling my way onto the 6. It’s a scene of loud anonymity. I could shout my name and no one would know it. I wonder if it’s all make-believe, and if everyone is only pretending that they don’t care. And I wonder if this indifference is freeing or lonely. I arrive at the office a fifteen minute ride of passive silence later. I toil away with a plastic smile until my fingers melt into the keyboard and my upper and lower jaw clench into one. The human body can do miraculous things, including sitting twenty hours a day in a Herman Miller chair. Dozy-eyed, I start dreaming of a vacation in Stockholm. I spend ten weeks at a desk in Manhattan that feels like an entire decade because Einstein said that time moves slower the faster you move. I’m not chasing meaning—just gasping for air, struggling not to drown in the density of it all. All I have left by August is the same indifference that I’ve now decided is more lonely than freeing. 2. And did you know that things fall apart? They fall apart like a crack that turns into a crumble, like an I’m holding up that can no longer be. I wake up one morning for my summer in New York to end faster than the elevator’s rise to the forty-second floor. And because my bed in the East Village is mine no more, I escape to the opposite end of the horizon on a direct flight from JFK to Tokyo, where for three nights and four mornings, I am alone. The Shinjuku station is a labyrinth, and as long as it stretches, I wander. To walk in this maze gives me faux purpose; to walk amongst crowds gives me faux company. But as I learned in New York, there’s so much pretending one can do. So with neither purpose nor company, my mind darts around like a loose ping pong ball, with nowhere to go. I am absent, dissociating, empty. I am a crier, but I cannot cry. In Tokyo, I learn that the end of the horizon is a dead end. So tell me, where do I go now? Even multicursal mazes have finitely many paths, and I’m terribly aware I’ve exhausted my last attempts. Every flutter-open of my eyes in the morning is the beginning of a pursuit with no pursuer. I exist, vacuum-sealed in my plastic world. . 3. In Japan, they call dragonflies “winner bugs” because they cannot move backwards. But what I saw from the window of my grandparents’ living room is that they can also hover mid-air. In swarms, they pause in the sky: a creature destined to surge forward can also hold time in its wings before it falls into the current. 4. And before the waves can swallow me, I’m paddling to the shore on a surfboard in Rhode Island—I refuse to exist in a lull. The water is cold but its sharpness brings me back to the present. I’m back in Providence for my final year, and I am now the pursuer, craving the purpose and calm that’s eluded me. But I’m again lost; the shiny things I thought would make me happy didn’t. In my exhaustion, I want to let go, but I’m scared to surrender. On a whim, I return to yoga, an old hobby, at the studio five minutes away. The instructor encourages me to find purpose in the stillness of my body. I’m finally given permission to stop. The white noise in my head clears, and I can focus purely on the flow of oxygen into my lungs. The practice of ujjayi pranayama allows me to tighten my throat and find the sounds of the cold ocean in my body. In Providence, I learn to breathe again. 5. In her memoir, Alison Bechdel asked what would have happened to Icarus if he didn’t fall. “What might have he wrought?” I’ve decided to stick around for an answer. I am no Daedalus, but I am here to make wings that let me fly.

Gaybash: A Review

Desi Silverman-Joseph
February 23, 2025

The invitation arrived as a Google Calendar notice via email: GAYBASH: Sat Nov. 9, 10 pm - 1am. “A party by gay guys, for gay guys” the subheading read. “Bring whoever fits the bill.” My heart leapt as I read the invitation and forwarded it to three friends. This was the party of my high school fantasies, the kind of thing I prayed would await me in college after four years of celibacy, when the jocks who ruled the party scene refused an invitation to any boy outside their varsity-playing, Creatine-crazed circles. The result: Friday nights at home watching TV with my mother and a whole lot of pent-up sexual curiosity. This feeling of desperation, I realize, is a common one for many gay guys who come flocking to Brown from not-so-cosmopolitan high schools, desiring shared experiences, romantic connection, and (let’s just say it) sex. And unlike at their high schools, gay guys at Brown may come to occupy the upper echelon of society, forming friend groups with formidable influence and social capital. My friends and I call such high-status homosexuals “Sirens.” In pop culture, the word denotes a female temptress who leads men on only to squash their hearts in the end. Among my friends, however, the word has come to describe a very particular kind of gay man at Brown. Your average Siren is beautiful, fashionable, and mean. In the summer, he wears baggy jorts and covers his perfectly-proportioned upper body with a scant white wife-beater. In the winter, he wears cargo pants with a knit sweater and a delicate scarf that could have only come from your voguish aunt’s wardrobe. His ears are pierced, his friends are hot, and he makes sure you know he reads in his free time. If you are not on his level, do not try to talk to him—he won’t give you the time of day. When I arrived at the address listed in the invitation at 11 PM that fateful Saturday night, I was disappointed to find practically no Sirens in attendance. The party was filled almost entirely with nerds making awkward conversation and vague attempts at flirtation with people they knew from class. They swayed their bodies back and forth uncomfortably to house music, but few actually danced. I fluttered about looking for an interaction I could enter without worrying about how quickly it would turn stale. At 11:30, the Sirens arrived at once. Everyone seemed relieved; Gaybash was not some lame gathering we had been tricked into attending but a real party with Sirens and all. They stood among us, and this was our chance to associate, to integrate ourselves among their ranks. One Siren whom I had met briefly at a campus event approached me. He grabbed my hand and offered a warm, Sireny hug. I blushed and tried to sustain a conversation without losing composure. Exhausted by the effort, I pretended to get distracted by a friend in the crowd. I bounded away, satisfied that I had been the one to kill the interaction. It’s a good feeling when you make a Siren yearn. It turns out I wasn’t the only one feeling conscious about a perceived divide between the high-status and the humdrum homosexuals. One stranger introduced himself by asking if I was a “scary gay.” It was his intention, he told me, to meet all the scary gays at Brown that night. I laughed and told him that I wasn’t scary—eager to disprove his assumption through warmth and relatability. Secretly, though, I was a bit flattered. I had indeed elevated my self-presentation with the hopes of intimidating the crowd: I had put on my softest, most tight-fitting shirt, my thrifted gold-beaded choker, and my most expensive, gender-neutral scent from Le Labo. Maybe it was something about the influx of Sirens, or the increasingly claustrophobic conditions of the party, or the sight of my ex-boyfriend yukking it up with some friends in the corner, but I began to feel sick to my stomach. People danced around me in a blur of color and commotion. They sang along to the music, which had transitioned from house to pop classics that I embarrassingly didn’t know the lyrics to. The room stank of sweat and alcohol. It was all too much. The Siren from before approached me again. Shit. There was no way I was going to be able to sustain my illusion of coolness this second time around. My best hope was to let him do the talking. I asked him questions. He flirted aggressively. Oh god, he was really hitting on me. I should’ve been happy. This guy was hot shit. I dreamed of befriending guys like him all through freshman year. But the whole thing left me feeling nauseated. I could feel the acid piling up in my throat. My heart was throbbing. I was surely going to puke. “I’m sorry—I think I have to go. I’m not feeling so good,” I panted, making a beeline for the door and bolting out before he could respond. That sucked. But I was relieved to have some fresh air. It felt good to be out of there and in the familiar world of heterosexuality again—where people dressed badly and did not know all the words to Lana del Rey. Here, I could be plain and uninteresting and it wouldn’t matter. After ten minutes of walking around the neighborhood, I felt better and returned to face the gays. Not long after stepping back through the door, I was shuttled out again. It wasn’t just me—every last person at the party had to leave. Word was that the police had arrived. People lined up along the narrow staircase and funnelled through the front door. The crowd was irked that the festivities had been cut short. “If this were a frat, there’s no way the police would have shut this down,” someone yelled out. “Yeah—fuck the police,” someone else responded. “Wow, this is sooo homophobic,” another boy chimed in. I couldn’t totally tell whether people were joking or in earnest. Outside, the officers seemed amused by the sight of us. “Looks like a bunch of RISD kids,” I heard one say, picking up on the alternative, femme aesthetics that everyone was sporting, that perfect nexus between streetwear and sophistication which is sure to boost your rank. A hundred boys gathered outside the house in mixed-up huddles of scary gays and soft gays and nerdy gays and diva gays—all refusing to leave the premises and all united in a sort of performative indignation. “Disperse, disperse,” the police yelled. The crowd stayed put. Everyone seemed bent on goading the police into violent confrontation, as if Gaybash were the next Stonewall. Two boys ran out into the middle of the road and began to perform ballet, spinning and twirling and leaping provocatively on the asphalt in front of the all-male police squad dressed in navy blue and standing with their feet wide apart. “Go home, disperse!” the police yelled again through a megaphone. When there was no movement, they blared their sirens at a deafening volume (as if there weren’t already enough loud Sirens around), and everyone walked off into the darkness. In the end, I had more fun debriefing Gaybash with my mother on the phone than I did attending the party itself. As a highschooler, I anticipated feeling liberated at a function like this—free to dress as I please, talk as I please, flirt as I please. In the end, though, I felt no less uneasy at Gaybash than I did at the parties I attended in high school. But the quality of the anxiety felt fundamentally different. In high school, popularity was unthinkable, and I often felt on the outs. At Gaybash, what I think unnerved me most was the lure of status, the fact that I, too, could slip into the quicksand and become cool and beautiful and scary.

The Gold that Stays

Annabelle Stableford
February 21, 2025

When I was eight years old, my dad shot a deer. I lay on its body when we reached it, sucking on the black licorice stick that had incentivized me to go hunting as tears streamed down my face. My dad taught me to touch the deer’s eye to make sure it doesn’t blink, to make sure it is dead. I touched the deer’s eye and it did not blink. Nature’s first green is gold, / her hardest hue to hold. When we got home, I ate raw meat from the deer’s body, so fresh it was still warm. It was strange consuming an animal I was still mourning, but there was a sense of purity in the direct connection between our lives that allowed me to do it. It seemed like a natural cycle of life to me then, and the meat made sense in my mouth. I widened my eyes at my dad and bounced up and down next to the kitchen table to express how good the deer tasted. But the image of the animal’s unblinking eye as it lay on the ground stuck with me. I saw the deer running; I saw the deer dead. The two irreconcilable thoughts stuck together in my mind like magnets. As my dad gathered the rest of the meat from the deer’s body in the garage, I somehow got hold of one of its hooves and for several weeks after that night I carried it with me. My mom quickly banned me from bringing it inside, so I wrapped it in a paper towel and brought it into the backyard. As soon as I got home from school each day I went to check on it. I sat there with it, stroking the black hoof and the bit of hair above because it was the only part of the deer I could still care for. I don’t remember how it happened, but slowly the hoof disintegrated. Maybe I lost interest in it and it turned to dirt in the backyard, or more likely another animal took it in the night. Either way, one day the hoof was gone. Nothing gold can stay. ⚘⚘⚘ I had a lot of worries when I was young. At night they swarmed around me and I couldn’t sleep. “One more question,” I called down to my parents night after night after they had tucked me into bed. “Why do bees like pollen?” I would ask anything to keep them near me, to keep them talking. I wasn’t so worried when I wasn’t alone. In middle school I got a small patchwork bag filled with worry dolls on a camping trip in Joshua Tree. I’d already tried a hundred ways to soften my fears at night–therapy, an energy healer, crystals, visualisations, meditations. They all helped, but I didn’t latch on to any of them the way I did to my worry dolls. They were small, about half the size of my pinkie, maybe eight in total. Each of their wire bodies were covered in small pieces of bright fabric that looked like skirts and shawls, and tiny eyes and mouths were drawn onto their paper faces. At night I took them all out of the bag and whispered a worry to each one before putting them back inside. “I’m worried I will never find my favorite necklace that I lost.” “I’m worried that I’ll throw up.” “I’m worried that Mama will die in a car crash.” “I’m worried we shouldn't have killed the deer.” Once they were all back in the bag I pulled the string tight and tucked it under my pillow. I felt so much lighter. Night after night of whispering my worries to the dolls, I came to know each of them well. I felt safe knowing they would hold my fears at night so I could sleep. One day, the patchwork bag ended up in the washing machine with my pillowcases, and all the little worry dolls fell apart. Her early leaf’s a flower; / But only so an hour. I felt torn apart with them, cleaved in two. I held the broken figures in my hand and pressed myself under the drying rack in the laundry room, trying to cry hard enough that I would escape the pain. But no matter how hard I cried or how small I curled up I could not escape. Nothing gold can stay. ⚘⚘⚘ In high school I sat on a bench in the park on New Year's Eve. The line between us where my body pressed against his, the side of my thigh, my arm from the elbow up, my shoulder, was electric, even under my down coat. There were so many stars above, shatteringly clear in the crystal cold night. He saw a meteor and looked at me with wide eyes, but I had been looking at him and missed it. We stared at the sky again. I saw a meteor and nudged him, but he had been looking at me. This time we swore to stare at the sky until we saw a meteor together. We watched for a while, inching closer and closer because it was cold, and also because we had never been so near to someone like that. I could smell his shampoo: apple scented. Suddenly, from the crest of the sky, a meteor broke loose from between the stars. This one was bigger than any I had seen before. It had a thick, fat tail that glowed brilliantly orange. It dove down in a long, smooth arc until it vanished near the horizon, like a stone dropping into dark water. Neither of us moved; we had both seen it. After a while, he put his arm around me. I had never felt that way before-burning, falling. My heart dove toward him, dropping inside his darkness like a meteor into sky or a stone into water. That night I came back with frostbite, dark purple kneecaps and blotches on my hips. I rubbed at them in the shower, holding my breath, holding my breath, until the purple faded to red. I took deep breaths. I knew the meteor was a sign of something magical, something no one would believe if I tried to tell them about it. Orange like a fiery tail burned behind my eyelids as I fell asleep, my smile lingering on the scent of his apple shampoo and the weight of his arm around my shoulder. There were more nights cold enough to break if you breathed in too fast, too cold to hold hands so we took turns sharing our pockets. For months we met only after dark, only outside, in a starry world that never quite felt real. By the time the stars started blinking out I was so used to the dark that I didn’t notice. Then leaf subsides to leaf. / So Eden sank to grief. I hadn’t yearned for my worry dolls in years, sometimes I even wondered if my swarm of fears had found a different queen, but by summer I spent most nights falling asleep shaking with the effort of keeping my pillow dry and no one to tell. It took me until fall to admit to myself I was wrong. The meteor wasn’t a sign, the frostbite was, teasing me like sparks but blooming into bruises that I couldn’t see. Nothing gold can stay. ⚘⚘⚘ I only have one poem memorized, a short eight lines by Robert Frost called “Nothing Gold Can Stay” that my dad recited to me over and over when I was young. The lines occur to me randomly sometimes, when I finish a book or walk home at dusk, or when I think about how much my dad loves Robert Frost. Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day, Nothing gold can stay “Stay gold, Ponyboy,” Johnny Cade says in the The Outsiders as the fire that burned him, extinguished now but still roiling across his skin, steals his final heartbeats. Stay gold, I say, stay gold. But nothing gold can stay. ⚘⚘⚘ When I learned about fireweed this semester it fit like a puzzle piece between the contradictions of those lines. Like its name suggests, fireweed is one of the first plants to grow after a wildfire. It takes to the blackened ground like a phantom, sucking life out of the ashes. It blooms across meadows and mountainsides almost as fast as fire itself, leaping in arcing colors across scorched land, touching all the places that died and igniting them in a magenta-tinged remembrance. As it spreads, though, it slows down, then stops. Instead of taking over mountainsides and charred forests and holding them forever captive with its blossoms, fireweed, in the end, chokes itself out. The purple miracle flower falls back to the earth, not sentenced there by fire like the trees and shrubs on the land before it, but sentenced there by its own overpopulation, its own drowning. So dawn goes down to day. But then, from the fertile remains, new sprouts emerge. Not only short-term flowers and brush, but the trees that will make forests that could stand for centuries. ⚘⚘⚘ Maybe that is the answer. We do things that die. Sometimes we have to do them so that they will die, like killing a deer, telling worry dolls your darkest fears, loving someone who will stop loving you. Burn the forest, flower the ashes, grow the trees. The finality of the deer’s unblinking eye was splintering, and I’ve recognized that same splintering ever since-the washed bodies of my worry dolls, the slow curve of the meteor in the sky as it broke apart. But even when the deer’s heart stopped beating, she kept existing outside of that moment, as a figurative presence in my heart when I touched her eye and she did not blink and as a literal presence in my body after I ate her meat. What’s dead is gone, but it depends on where you look. The worry dolls taught me to make sense of my fears, to put them into words so that when it mattered, when I was losing him, when I was suffering anything, I knew how to face it. Maybe those two weren’t related, but even if they weren’t consequential ripples they collided, like the deer’s heart and mine, like flowers and ash building a forest. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief. So dawn goes down to day. Somehow, there is a gold that stays.

See More

Our Mission

Our Mission

Sole Magazine was created to provide the Brown community with entertaining and informative feature writing about true events, people, and experiences but without the stylistic restrictions of hard journalism. We aim to tell interesting stories in interesting ways, using techniques of characterization, description, and theme, while experimenting with structure and tone to produce creatively crafted narratives.

Meet Our Team

Nicholas Miller '24 (he/him)

Founder

Nicholas is from Baltimore, Maryland who concentrated in English Nonfiction and Portuguese and Brazilian Studies. He has a fondness for his mini soccer ball, midnight snacks, reporter’s notepads, and the smell of books. He also likes to learn things and write about them. #goat