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Black Honey

September 17, 2023
Mariah Guevara

I’m going to have to wrap you in duct tape the first time. It’s as much for the nerves as for any practical function. We’ll wind it round the places where your thick cotton pants are tucked into your rubber boots and your goatskin leather gloves cinch around your elbows. Seal away any trace of skin, any gaps to the outside world. Reassure yourself—there’s no way they could possibly get you now. They most certainly can get you now, but let’s not focus on that. Besides the gloves, the veil is the most important part. Make sure the zipper is pulled as tight as possible to the side and stick a peel of duct tape on it too, for good measure. Watch the world become hazy and strange and gray beyond the wall of mesh. As sealed up as you’ll get, it’s time to go. Outside, you’ll find the heat and humidity of the Arkansas summer is nearly unbearable. The best time to check on them is, tragically, in the heat of the day, when the majority will be out foraging. Your fingers will swell with boiling blood, rendered bloated and red and clumsy on the acre-long walk down a green, sloping hill out to the hives. They’re three small, charming things—white boxes with wood-lined roofs to give them the appearance of cottages—nestled about ten feet apart from each other in the shade-dappled line of forest curving against the open field of my backyard. They’re all faced east, to better nudge the bees into action as soon as the sun rises. My hives are set a little lower than most, but that’s only because I’m shorter than most; they’re waist-high, for ease of access. The sound of buzzing is incomprehensible, loud at even twenty feet away but nearly deafening when you stand before a hive itself. I always knock on the side of their hive to announce my presence. I’d feel bad about disturbing them, but I think they’ve gotten used to my intrusions. There are terrible things that can happen to hives if we don’t check in on them every week or so—parasites, new queens born to wage civil war, diseases. It’s my job and joy to keep my fuzzy little friends safe. The humming inside rises to a high, whining pitch until I waft my hand across the entrance, my familiar scent floating within. The majority of bee communication is conducted not solely through dance, as you may have heard, but by pheromones. They have excellent senses of smell, with over fifteen glands for producing chemical messages to each other. I always wonder if that’s the reason they aren’t disturbed to climb and crawl and press against each other in such dim, claustrophobic conditions—it’s the only way they can spread their gaseous message so efficiently, the scent rubbing off of one small, fuzzy body to the next, traveling through the dark hive. They’ll probably find you and your strange smell frightening, may even attack, but stay calm; they’ll get used to you. I used to have to mummify myself in white cotton and gray tape, but all I wear now is a pair of old gardening gloves, my legs and shoulders bared to the burning heat of the day in hand-me-down cut-offs and tank tops worn thin with age. Besides, bees can sense weakness. Do you like the hives? I inherited my oldest from an elderly man at my church. He wrapped me up in duct tape, opened a box to a cloud of whirling, buzzing black and gold, and I fell in love instantly. He had wild, brambly bushes in his backyard, studded with white flowers, and I swear the honey from that hive tastes like blackberry syrup. The two other hives were birthday presents. I built their boxes and roofs myself, carving the slats of wood and drilling in eye hooks for the bungee cords bolted to the brick bases I laid one hot May afternoon; they’re so solid not even the tornados that tend to howl through can disturb the bees. The raccoons are another story, but those little jerks have opposable thumbs, so I’ve written them off as an act of God. We might have to use our hive tools to get in; bees are notoriously industrious, and I suspect mine put in overtime. Any gaps in the hive, no matter how small, are sealed over with propolis, also known as bee glue. It’s a thick, golden mixture of beeswax and pollen, less sticky than you would expect. Run your hive tool—a flat L-shape of metal with a sharp end and a hooked one—along the edge where the roof of the hive meets the body, wiggling gently, ‘til you feel it give away. The humming will intensify, excitement brewing as they realize what’s happening. Here, hold the smoker for me. It’s already smoldering, the fire inside slowly consuming the dried pine needles and leaves and tall, dead grasses we collected earlier. More bees than usual will come out now, upset and alert for threats to their beloved queen, but just give them a gentle puff of smoke. It doesn’t drug them, as that slanderous Jerry Seinfeld movie would have you believe, but it does conjure instinctual memories of fire, of danger, of the need to return home and protect it from whatever is menacing. When I lift the lid to the hive, moving with aching slowness and care, don’t be startled by the strange smell—cloyingly thick and sweet, but with something earthy inside. The smell of honey and pollen and wax and rot and new births and venom and sweat and dusty crumbling death. Bees cling to every surface, latched on with their clever barbed hooked feet. Do you see the ones with pollen clinging to their legs? There are a lot of them now, shocked and affronted at the sudden intrusion of fresh air, no matter how many times we do this. Give them a little puff of smoke, just to settle them down. Looking down, it’s a dark pit, criss-crossed by pale birch slats of wood. We need our hive tools again, repeating the same process of scraping away the propolis bridging frames together and plowing up the wax sticking up like so many stalagmites on the edges of the box. Don’t throw it away once it’s glued itself to the sharp end of your hivetool. Roll it into a ball between your clumsy gloved fingers and stick it into the pocket of your white smock. People always get the value of bee hives wrong. Sure, honey is great, and honey from my hive is the best I’ve ever tasted, but my bees are a little too delicate to harvest whole frames of honey at a time; I only steal tastes now and again. It’s propolis that’s the real treasure. It rubs into your skin like a dream, leaving it smooth and perfectly moist, no matter how flaky it was before. Two drops of food coloring and a stick of propolis makes the most lovely lip balm you’ve ever seen. People eat propolis in powders, in waxes, in supplements for all sorts of things—to reduce bloating, to delay cell damage, to prevent cancer, to ward off bacteria, to heal wounds faster. I remain skeptical on nearly all of those, but I’ll admit to smearing propils onto stings on the rare occasion I get them; it takes the itch away faster than anything else. Now we can pull out a frame of honeycomb. Put your fingers to the top of the wooden slat, making sure you don’t squeeze one of the tens of thousands of bees swarming all over the frames, your hands, up your arms, and gently, slowly lift it. It’s hard to see with so many bees buzzing around, isn’t it? They cling to the golden comb, to the wooden edges of the frame, to each other, tightly; it must be strange to be so close, so cloistered, then suddenly emerge into the open air. There’s a fat, heavy mass of them on the bottom, like a water drop seconds from falling off a leaf. They’re a hypnotic mass of activity, and every tiny action sends up a mass of sound, of heat. Even in the baking sunshine, even with most of them gone to forage for pollen, even through your glove, they radiate more intense, humid, sticky heat than anything you’ve ever felt. Your palms and fingers will be slick with sweat inside your leather gloves. Don’t drop the frame—though that’s more for your safety than theirs. Still, don’t worry. My bees are all honey bees, known for their sweet temperament and social natures—each hive numbering anywhere from thirty to sixty thousand. They’re of a more delicate nature than their cousins, the killer bee. Visually, there isn’t much of a difference, but I can tell either type of hive at a glance. Killer bee hives are much smaller, at only about fifteen thousand, and they’re meaner than wasps. I was once called out to do an inspection of a beehive that had infested the roof of a local school, and I nearly fell off the ladder when a swarm of hundreds came after me with roaring fury. My sweet bees will only attack you a dozen or so at a time. Once you have a good grasp on the frame, without letting go, jerk it down as hard and fast as you can. Their buzz turns affronted, confused, and a little ticked off, all at once—something like an annoyed alarm clock going off mid-afternoon. I’ll settle them with some smoke. Examine the frame for me. With the heaving mass of bees gone, you can see the waxy comb. Each frame is equipped with only a hollow outline of wood and two wires, stretched lengthwise across it. I put in new frames when the hive is outgrowing the ones provided, starting to build on the ceiling and walls, and they can fill it out with geometrically perfect hexagons in less than three days. Hold it up to the baking sunshine and look. There are two types of frames—storage and brood. Storage frames will be heavier, the cells in the middle glistening in the light with gold and mahogany and black honey. The colors jumble together, each different depending on what sorts of pollen the bee who made it used. I have a tiny wooden spoon, just enough to pull out a taste without damaging the waxen cells. Here, try some. I prefer black honey, derived from sweet pine and honeydew. It’s richer, thicker, more lush than weak yellow clover honey or brash orange citrus honey. Extending radially from the center of the frame, you find pockets of amber and gold pollen stored for later use, and then, at the very edge, bright orange bee bread—a processed mix of that same pollen and bee saliva, used for feeding the newest and weakest of the hive. Speaking of, it’s brood frames—those that hold developing bees—that are the real treat. Her Majesty the queen herself travels from one to the next sequentially, laying eggs into cells and carefully capping them up. Storage frames are just frames where the majority of brood has hatched, leaving gaping cells, ready for a brisk cleaning then fresh-baked bee bread. Brood frames are lighter, filled with the delicate beginnings of life in their warm, protected center. The bees are more aggressive when you shake them off this sort of frame; they don’t like being separated from their children. Hold it up. You can see them there, backlit by the sun—tiny, lumpy c-shaped silhouettes. Baby bees, curled up in their hive’s cells like humans curl up in the womb. They’re beautiful. If we’re lucky, we’ll see a pupa emerge from its cell, becoming an adult along the way. They gnaw their way out from inside the cell, the waxy covering of propolis becoming their first, nourishing meal. They emerge slowly, then all at once: huge eyes seeing pure light for the first time; wet, unused antenna peeling away from their delicate, triangular heads; fragile wings drying in the heat of the bees suddenly swarming around them, eager to meet their new sister. Even among thirty-thousand, the arrival of one more is an event to be celebrated. Of course, as we pull out each frame and inspect them individually, be on the lookout for anything that seems off. Scan the back of each bee for a shining red surface, like a wound just scabbed over, the size and shape of a sesame seed: hive mites. They’re nasty little parasites, ones that slip into cells with developing larvae and eat the babies before they can even hope to emerge. They take over the cell themselves, using it as a sick, parasitic breeding ground. Instead of new life, a wave of sickness and death emerges. Luckily, they’re easy to kill, if you catch them early. That’s why we have to look at every frame with such care, to turn it over gently in our hands and feel the rattle in our bones, to not let our eyes glaze over with the mesmerizing swarm of yellow and black. If we see a hive mite, run back inside the house, and do your best not to be staggered by the sudden coolness and quiet. (A few bees will follow you all the way home. Don’t mind them, they’re just curious.) Pull powdered sugar and a sieve out of the cabinets. All we have to do is gently sprinkle the powdered sugar over the hive, cloying everything with a white, sweet powder that makes the fuzzy backs of bees impossible for the mites to cling to with their cruel, suctioned grip. The mites will fall down through the open grating that lays beneath the hive. When we close up the hive, all we must do is slide out the tray underneath and throw the little parasites in the smoker. They burn well. Speaking of unwelcome guests, there will, inevitably, be a bee inside your suit. Bees are notoriously good at slipping into small spaces, and at least one will be curious enough to join you, no matter how much duct tape you wasted earlier. Don’t panic. Or, rather, panic all you want, long as you don’t breathe. Carbon dioxide makes the bees agitated, angered, and we really do not want that. One angry bee signals the others, a cloying cloud of pheromones that, oddly enough, smells like overripe bananas. (Do try to limit your potassium intake before you open the hive, by the way. Sorry, I should’ve told you that one earlier.) Step away from the hive, moving oh-so slowly so as to not agitate your visitor. She (for they’re all she’s, at least the ones who can sting; don’t worry about the men—they’re only good for reproduction before dying off in the winter) will sense that she’s getting further away from the hive. Bees have wonderful homing senses and a powerful instinct to return home whenever anything is amiss—introverts at their finest. When you’re far enough away that no other bees are buzzing around you with curiosity, tentatively remove the gray tape holding your veil in place and hold your breath, hoping she doesn’t deem you a threat—so far from the hive and still. With all luck, she’ll fly off, back on her merry way. Of course, there’s no guarantee this will work. Maybe she’s angry that day, maybe you smell too much of potassium, maybe you twitch involuntarily. Something happens, and, at that point, you get stung. Listen, I never promised the process would be painless. Anyway, stingings aren’t as bad as you think. They’re practically nothing more than a twitch after the first fifty or so. There are places on my hands that are permanently numbed and hardened from stings. It’s said bee venom helps with arthritis, that it ironically acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory—one sharp prick in exchange for a lifetime of ease. The scientists are torn over this, but every eighty-something I’ve ever met at beekeeper association meetings swears by it. At any rate, I hardly ever receive the flashes of pain—bright and hot and startling—anymore. Which is to say, my skin no longer swells after a sting. I think the venom is a part of me. If I am stung, the sharper agony is the loss of another one of my buzzing friends. They can’t survive a sting; all the vital organs attached to their stingers fall out through the dull nub of their abdomen. Their innards are more delicate than you think, stuck to a tiny thorn embedded in your skin, trailing after it, gossamer, like an errant puff of gray-pink cotton candy. If we’re very lucky, we may see the queen. Each hive has its own—Georgia, for the state we got her from; Nefer-bee-ti, for the Egyptian queen; and, of course, Eliza-bee-th, who has outlasted her namesake. I’m very glad bees don’t understand English, or I’d be afraid Georgia would be devastated by her exclusion from the naming scheme. If bees were smarter, though, I think the queen would be devastated by much more important things than her name. To the hive, the queen is everything. She is their reason for existence, the thing they must protect with their lives, the very reason why one would choose to sting and die—just to protect her. To her hive, she is a strange, otherworldly thing. She is the only one who can have children, and she does so at a remarkable rate, fast enough to sustain a hive of up to sixty thousand. She is nearly twice the size of her subjects, with a longer torso, bigger eyes, darker and more delicate stripes. Everywhere she goes, the hive shifts and rumbles in response. We can find her on a frame by letting our eyes unfocus, finding the place where all the bees move out radially, as if she is a great stone thrown into a still pond. Every other bee is trampled over carelessly by the others, without malice or thought, just as it too steps over others in its duties. No one would ever dare step over the queen. She is a strange, lone spot of sovereign stillness in the bustle of the hive. She is everything to her hive because, in the end, she is all they will ever know. She is the crux of the hive’s pheromonal controls, able to change moods and behaviors of the entire hive at a whim. They are addicted to her, unwilling to leave the hive for too long and always knowing where to return to because of her siren call. And, of course, she will outlast them all. A drone bee, meant only for reproductive duties, leaves the place of his birth within six days to seek a queen to mate with. He’ll die within minutes or hours of completing his task. A worker bee goes about her diligent business—tending to the children, gathering water to cool the hive, warding off invaders—for six weeks in the summer. A queen bee lives for up to five years. She is, to them, functionally immortal. She watches something like forty-two generations of her children wither and die around her, working themselves to death for her benefit. Don’t worry if we don’t see the queen as we look through the frames. A healthy, happy hive can only exist if there is a healthy, happy queen. At least, I like to tell myself she’s happy. I like to imagine I have something to do with it, even. The young bees, after all, cannot get used enough to me in their short lifetimes to be settled by my scent, as the hive often is. She’s the one who remembers me, who sends out a soothing pheromonal signal in my presence. Maybe to her, I am an odd, familiar presence, bringing fresh water and clearing out pests and smoothing the ragged edges of hardened wax away. Maybe to her, I am the strange, otherworldly thing caring for the hive. Maybe to her, I am the only friend she can keep. When we’ve inspected every frame, we have to put it back carefully. You can slowly lower it into place; I’ll gently push the bees out of the way with my nubby, garden-gloved fingers. It feels like joy when a bee vibrates gently under your hand, a jolt of something pure and primal and ancient, right beneath your fingertips. We need to push all the frames together when we’re done, making the job of building their propolis bridges back up a little easier for them. The wood is already tacky; it won’t be too hard, for such busy workers. Bees cling in my hair, on my shoulders, on the mesh of your veil as we lift the pointed roof of the hive together, carefully, slowly putting it in place, so we don’t crush anyone. Don’t mind them—they’re placid, gentle. Their buzz is low and soothing, like a mindless hum as you go about your day. I think they’re just saying goodbye. When the sun is slipping behind the horizon, when the majority of my bees are being called home by centuries of instinct, I go out to the hive, barefoot in the tall grass. I sit or lay down in the clover before the hive—heedless of the perpetually-muddy ground hiding beneath the verdant cover. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, listening to a rumbling buzz that drowns out all thoughts. The clover brushes my bare legs gently, the sweet breeze sticky and warm like a balm. The hair on the back of my neck prickles, goosebumps rising as bees fly heedlessly past me, inches away, as if I am just another part of the scenery, just another part of the hive. When I breathe it in, the air tastes like black honey.

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The Wandering Albatross

Stella Kleinman
January 23, 2025

The strongest ocean current in the world is the Antarctic Circumpolar Current, coursing through the narrowest chokepoint around the White Continent. Average water flow is 4.77 billion cubic feet, over 600 times the volume of the Amazon River. With 40 foot waves and 50 mph winds, the Drake Passage from Argentina to Antarctica is a uniquely violent journey believed to have caused thousands of shipwrecks. I’m sitting by the window watching the world churn. The boat is pitching—skyrocketing up and plummeting down over wave after wave. If not for the gentle hum of the engine, I wouldn’t know we are moving forward. From the front observation deck, I can feel split seconds of weightlessness, where my throat becomes a vacuum and heart strands get caught between my teeth. Anyone with any sense is in their cabin, hiding from seasickness under ceilings, sheets, and eyelids. A smooth, dark silhouette fills the window, interrupting the vast expanse of otherwise empty sky. At first, I think it’s a spot in my vision– a hallucination from too many nights at sea. How could this stranger, this creature of solitude, find us here? Lifted by long, sleek wings, the massive bird glides across the air as if it’s a solid surface. With dark eyes narrowed ahead, it tilts back and forth on its axis to catch the harsh gusts. The sea falls to its knees at first brush with the bird’s wingtips, a kiss that stops at the lips, suspending itself in the air. Last night, Marten, an expedition leader and ornithologist, presented a PowerPoint about the wandering albatross. We sat on the floor like young children, watching him click through videos breaking down the bird’s flight patterns. The albatross flies in a unique style called dynamic soaring, which involves gracefully swooping through wave troughs on a cyclical path. Carving elegant lines through the sky, it can fly for a thousand miles without flapping its wings. Marten’s eyes glinted as he told us the birds spend the first five to six years of their lives without ever touching land. They can circumnavigate the globe in 46 days, sleeping with half their brain at a time. From behind the window, I watch the white-headed albatross swoop and fall and glide, tracing its flight path with my pointer finger. It is a being of wind and power, one of the elements rather than fauna. In one of my favorite poems, Samuel Coleridge’s lyrical ballad The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a sailor shoots an innocent albatross for no apparent reason, cursing his voyage. The crew endures storms, spirits, and haunting mist as the dead bird hangs over the captain’s neck, a symbol of curse and punishment. The albatross’s mistreatment at human hands signifies the plight of the poet, violent acts against nature with catastrophic consequences, and individual sacrifice. Compulsory storytelling. The bird’s white head dips forward as it catches a gust and effortlessly outruns the ship along the air. My breath fogs up the window glass. Where are you going? Where have you been? What is it like to live surrounded by nothing but air and water, to fade into the horizon day after day? What do you miss? What can you call your own? The albatross answers with a glittering downward swoop. The first time I step on Antarctic land, I am so far away from home that my body is no longer my own. Blue ice crystals glow around my feet as far as I can see, hanging over themselves and creeping forward as time stands still. Every so often a chunk screeches and splashes into the churning ocean. Snowflakes bundle and roll, speckling the harsh slopes of jagged mountains. I picture a holy-handed giant taking a pocket knife to a block of obsidian, carving away sharp bits. Eating each slice of rock off the knife, one by one, then disappearing into the sky. I wade through water so clear and smooth I would try to mold it like clay if I didn’t know any better. I try to survey it all, but my gaze keeps snagging on rock piles and tumbling into snowbanks and slipping down the sides of icebergs into the silent ocean. I feel like I could melt into my feet, or catch a draft of wind and plummet upwards to the tips of the black mountains. I wonder if the sun still sets somewhere, if the streetlamps in my neighborhood still flicker, if the world is still spinning the same way, if I have ever been anywhere else, if I am still my mother’s daughter. If someone reached out and touched me right now, would their hand pass straight through me? I am stuck in time but nowhere in space, existing only elsewhere. I wonder if the wandering albatross leaves a piece of itself on every wind it catches, drawing lines around the globe. Ancient mythology refers to the albatross as the Prince of the Wave, a mystical spirit of lost sailors possessing healing powers and prophesizing divine fortune. By observing these birds, sailors adjusted their course to avoid harsh weather. To hurt an albatross, as demonstrated by Coleridge, was to unleash the wrath of the sea. When I was younger, I couldn’t fall asleep without first finding the North star out my window, or guessing where it was on cloudy nights. In a place where the sun does not set, what do you center your world around? What is it like to be as untethered and alone as the albatross, beak careening forward through empty space? On the seventh night, we leave the ship, hauling packs twice our size. Anthonie and Kai trek in heavy red coats, testing snow and whispering hastily in Dutch. Finally, they decide on a somewhat flat plot of snow as far as possible from seals and avalanche risks. They hand out shovels like goodie bags at a child’s birthday party, if candy and toys could protect from 20 mile per hour winds. Antarctic gusts are in the rare category of things you can only burrow under, never climb over or stand against. When it’s finally my turn with the shovel, I feel like I am digging my own grave. I lay down to mark the size hole I need, then hack into the snow. Fine powder scatters to the breeze every time the spade goes over my shoulder. I am cutting into the Earth’s southern crown, making room for myself in a place unlike anywhere I have ever been. Once I’ve dug a three-foot deep coffin, I gently arrange my two sleeping bags and tuck myself in facing the still-bright sky. Sharp gusts tumble over me, and I welcome the cool air as it buries itself in my lungs. As the temperature drops, snow crystals begin to freeze around me, molding an imprint of my body. In my mind, I am here to stay. I will crawl into this shoveled-out cove each night, watching the animals around me to know when it’s time to sleep. I will live off of mackerel icefish and Antarctic cod and melted snow. Each morning I will make it a little bit farther up the mountain and carve words into the rock, and then retreat. After a while, I will stop thinking about what I am writing. I could really do it. I lay on my back with my eyes open, breathing in the southern sky. A wispy cloud rolls down toward me, obscuring the mountaintop. Every so often, little gentoo penguins splash in and out of the water, always in groups—unlike the albatross, with its commanding wings and daunting spirit. For the first time since meeting it, I feel a dull ache for this mystical creature with no dwelling, this lonely flier. I pull my blankets tighter around me and sink into the earth’s embrace. I don’t know if I managed to sleep tonight, but I know I woke up. The crushing melody of Anthonie’s boots on the snow’s brittle surface invites me back to my mind. It’s four a.m., and we have a long passage to the next island. Once my eyes adjust to the light and I remember where and who I am, I grab a shovel from my neighbor and begin refilling my bedroom with snow. I pack it in and pat it gently, evening the surface so that there is no trace of my stay. I kneel silently atop my handiwork until my knees are soaked and it’s time to go. Back on the ship, I find my body in the same seat on the observation deck. The waves are gentler closer to the shore, and we are rolling side to side rather than pitching. I’m not sure how long I sit hugging my shins before I see it. Another albatross, beak open, dancing up and down along drafts. This time, I don’t question its solitary trajectory or spiritual meaning or how and why it can only chase or flee. I watch the polar breeze wrap itself around the bird’s wingtips and think about interlacing my fingers with my best friend. I watch the sea meet its feathered underbelly as it swoops downward and remember every time I fell asleep in the car as a child and my parents carried me to my bed, every leaf pile my brothers and I jumped into during the early Autumns of growing up, and every pendant a friend has fastened around my neck for me. I think of the way the spirit of the ocean protects the albatross, and let it glide out of my sight.

I Miss the West

Mason Scurry
December 1, 2024

I woke up this morning yearning for wide, windswept roads, red rock, and mountain views through hot windowpane. Instead, I woke up in Providence, Rhode Island, missing a hometown 2,000 miles away. I miss the West. I miss my home. I miss the natural playground I grew up in, I miss falling in love on rockslides and meeting up with friends at trailheads and roadside diners and family-owned small-town breakfast places. I miss rippling fields of Indian Paintbrush, snowmelt waterfalls striking my scalp, burnt orange sunsets through smoky skies. When I was a kid, I hated Montana. Newcomers would come and gawk at the expansive mountain views, swoon over the shops in downtown Bozeman, and complain about growing up elsewhere. I never understood their obsessions. I’d been gazing at those mountains and shops since before my eyes were fully developed, I was touching pine trees and collecting bits of moss before I could walk, and starting ski lessons just after. Montana was all I knew. The mountain ranges marked not just the edge of the horizon, but the edge of my world. I never got the experience of seeing those mountains for the first time. For me, it was a mundane, everyday backdrop, meaningless gray, blues and greens. My parents were different. Neither one had been ‘out west’ until college. My dad applied to a job in Yellowstone impulsively and moved with 2 weeks' notice. My mom took a summer job here and never left. But I loathed Montana—my prison, a barren hellscape, devoid of people and just about everything else. Western cowboy-bolo culture always felt foreign. I craved marble fountains, whooping sirens bouncing off cement, pigeons. I craved crowds and buildings I had to crane my neck to see the top of, brownstones and urban gardens. I told my Mom once, in Chicago, “Nothing happens at home. Everything happens here.” But for some reason, this morning, I miss Montana. I miss the rest of the West, too. I miss Utah’s otherworldly cliff faces and sandy bellows, I miss Idaho’s pine forests, Oregon’s waterfalls pouring from mossy, black rock, California’s wide, wet tree trunks in inconceivable proportion, Nevada’s dried sagebrush leading nowhere, Wyoming’s two-laned highways and weathered church steeples. For two years, I tried hard to avoid going home for the summer. It felt like a regression. It didn’t feel right to go to college, to live alone and fiercely on the East Coast, to galavant around Boston with my newfound friends, and get drunk at bars with my fake ID. My attempts to secure a job were unsuccessful though, and the summer of my freshman year I stayed home. I traveled often, but when I was home, I stayed busy to keep my mind quiet and started a blissfully all-consuming business. Truly, that was the summer of escape. Escape from the backyard I grew up in because I was too old and it’s too well explored. Escape from thousands of trails I used to use for wildflower and mushroom hunting. Escape from a place that formed me, my body, soul, heart, and mind, a place I had no idea how to love. My second college summer, I went home again. Mania has a way of disrupting a person’s life. I completed two classes that semester, one book, and zero internship applications. In the mental hospital, I ‘knew’ I’d spend the summer road tripping with my ‘soulmate,’ showing the world what true love was. We’d soar above the Grand Canyon. When you’re manic anything is possible. As my delusions faded and I returned to my safer (though less interesting) existence in the real world, I told my nurses I’d spend the summer road tripping, writing, and selling copies of my published book to small-town bookstores. But the plan never came to fruition, so once again, I was stuck in Montana, the place I had just managed to escape from. But everything changed when I stumbled into love last summer. He loves Montana. He’ll be there for the rest of his life, ranching, moving water, birthing cattle. The edge of his world is the edge of his horizon, and the yearn to leave will never be strong enough. That gave our love an expiration date, because my home is not Paradise Valley, it is not Sheep Mountain, it is not Ennis or Bozeman or Yellowstone or the Gallatin or the seas of wildflowers. But somehow, this morning, I miss the West. I miss how I’d clamber onto the back of his four-wheeler and we’d roar upward toward a breathtaking view of the sunset. It splattered reds and oranges on the backsides of rocky peaks like a blind painter. I miss him in the driver's seat, searching dirt roads and creek beds for solace. I miss those afternoons and evenings because though I didn’t notice then, I wasn’t just falling in love with him. I was falling in love with Montana, reworking my relationship with the place. Don’t get me wrong. This is not some ultimate declaration of love to my hometown. This essay is not a shot in the dark, it’s not some pronouncement that I’ll be spending the rest of my life in a white two-story farmhouse with a porch swing and an aversion to urbanization. But it is to say that I miss the West, despite everything. He transformed my resentment into gratitude, untanlged my mind, and did some much-needed untangling. I left him, he left me, and then we left each other, and now I’m left nostalgic. I spend a good amount of time, now, in the warm embrace of nostalgia. That’s always been true, but never in my life has it been directed so westward. I’ve been remembering a road trip with two friends, a northbound drive up the coast of Oregon. On the left side of the Subaru Outback was the ocean, its sky-blue surface pierced by rock spires, irritating the water, turning it white and frothy. To the right were tree trunks drowning in thick, soft moss, stretching upward through a bed of dead stuffs rotting from the moisture in the air. The views were panoramic. Pristine beaches, oceans, and forests burdened with life as far as the eye can see. I’ve been remembering a hole my sister and I dug in our backyard. May brought snowmelt and our first ‘digging days’ of the season. We dragged shovels, a pick ax, gardening tools, rakes, and mallets from the shed to the backyard. The hole was sheltered between two huge pine trees and a medium-sized cottonwood. We kept a wooden stool back there too, so one of us could sit while the other hacked. The ground was always dry and unforgiving, though. Years of toiling amounted to a hole that was just a foot deep and two feet wide. I’ve been remembering time in the woods and on the edges of cliffs in the heart of the wilderness. I’ve been remembering spontaneous camping trips, screaming my heart out across mountain lakes, caves I discovered, piles of pinecones, and bike rides along rivers. I’ve been remembering all of this and more, because now that I’ve truly escaped my home, now that I have an apartment on the East Coast and no plans to cross over to the other side of the Mississippi any time soon, now that I’m living this life, I’m realizing I’m living the dream of the trapped, timid, resentful boy I used to be. And whatever I do, wherever I end up, whoever I become, and whichever path I choose, I’ll need wide open spaces, night skies overburdened with stars, and campsites miles away from any sign of life. I guess it’s just who I am.

A Love Letter on Losing Yourself

Mason Scurry
December 1, 2024

Your birthday passed a couple of weeks ago. I noticed. I did think about you. I didn’t text (but I debated) mostly because you hadn’t texted me for mine (two weeks before). I sent you a note. Did you get it? If not, it said I unblocked you. It’s hard to believe you happened, that we happened. We happened over a year ago. That summer, our time together, feels too big to fit into the bounds of a start and end date. But we did have a clear start date—a golden waterfall shrouded in fog, a kiss you started, a lit billboard on the side of the highway. We also had a clear end date—a night at one of our old places (this time there was snow on the ground), hours of tears because Ii was too late, calcified love, distance. You feel so far away now. I understand the connection between space and time, but not the distinction. I suppose that’s the point. Sometimes I wonder if we ever happened at all. More often, I wonder if we ever ceased to happen. I’ve been dreaming since our goodbye, I’ve been half-conscious, stone-faced and sharp-edged. The essence of me is still with the essence of you, still in Montana in your bed without a top sheet, still tangled on the couch and kissing your forehead, still holding the bouquet of wildflowers you collected, still walking hand in hand through my neighborhood at dusk. This year, my summer felt quick and small. Linear. Simple. Our summer was lumbering, gentle and limitless. I remember it all—a second date sitting on a stump by the old Story Mill when we were still new to each other, the tunnel under the interstate when I learned what it meant to be yours, 22 beaded bracelets (I still have them), chapters of handwritten love stories (I’m scared to search for them), how it felt to have my hands on the back of your neck. Part of me is there. It’s yours. It spans space and time, it defies all known laws of physics and biology and humanity, and it’s there. Still loving you. Still needing you. Still merged with you. Maybe this is how love, the worthwhile kind, works. When you fall in love you are briefly, gorgeously complete, when you fall in love you crack some and flow into another soul to become something you were not before. When that love is lost, that merged and mixed and altogether beautiful part of you snaps off and spirals away. It leaves a void, black and furious, one we smother in vodka shots and toxic self-affirmations and false denial, one we fill with bodies and shame and guilt. It ruins our lives for a while until we learn to adjust. Then, the void starts to shrink. We grow back into it. It heals over, we relearn how to exist, we think of ourselves in new, healthier ways, and eventually, we’re a ‘new person’ bursting with ‘self-love’ and emotional byproducts and the love that was once our entire world becomes insignificant. We marvel at how much has changed and how far we’ve come. We gawk at who we fell in love with. We look forward, and dream of someone better. And it stays that way for a while. Then, something starts to glitter through the fog of our carefully constructed explanations. We’re reminded of that first kiss. We realize we’ve kept some trinkets and letters we probably shouldn’t have anymore. We start sensing that somewhere, sometime, that same love we’d cast aside still exists in a very tangible way, and we are still engaged in it, affected by it, in a blurry sort of way. We know this because we can feel its presence. Its soft pull. We’re aware that part of us is missing and always will be. We’re left with a nostalgic peace, a gentle appreciation, sweet memories, and keepsakes. That is what’s left over, whether we’d like it or not. Part of us is permanently missing, because we once belonged to another person. Once, we opened our rib cages and let our hearts run free. Once, we had the courage to give it all up and throw it all in. Once, we fell in love, and that’s not something you can take back. And that’s the consequence of a life well-loved, that’s the consequence of a love well-lived, that’s the paradox of loving—when you give yourself to someone, you don’t quite ever get it all back.

A Shooting Star Some Decembers Ago

Mizuki Kai
November 21, 2024

1:00 The first shooting star I ever saw was in a Japanese forest. It made a scratch in the sky like a hand of a clock that goes tick, tick, tick. It pierced my past, my present, and my future; my skin, my eyes, and my being. My neck craned then, and now. I feel the sensation graze my scalp and crunch beneath my soles, and it is alive in transience and eternal in memory. It’s gone and will never be again, but there’s a comfort I take in its mercurial permanence. Because when I look up at the tips of the trees in Vermont, I see you at the very top, where the sky meets the cedar’s crown. It’s the same sky that held the first shooting star I saw. But there are many years and timezones and kilometers and miles that stand in between, and your entire presence fits in that window of time and space, and I cannot find it anywhere but in a part of me that I cannot prove exists. But isn’t it great? Because I don’t know where you are now, if you are alive, if you breathe, eat, read, love, do math, sing that one song, swim, or run laps around your house. But I know that you are here, in my existence, and I hear you laughing: and that is enough of you that I needed, then, now, and in the future. 2:00 She likes to tell me that my whole being used to fit within her palms. Those same palms can now fit the five fingers of my right hand but not much more. I’m holding that hand, pulling her behind me in the Gothic Quarter of Barcelona. I’m pulling her drunken hand through the Shibuya Scramble of Tokyo and her steady one through the Marshalls aisles in West Houston. The same hand she once stuck out at me and told me to slap because “she was a bad mama.” The same one that lifted me in the air in that video I digitized from 2003. The hand that I held at Lake Hope in Colorado at the end of our unexpectedly-tough hike. The same hand that once flipped through the 1998 yearbook pages that I’m flipping through now, on the second floor of her parents’ house in Japan, where everything but time exists. 3:00 There’s a car driving through the forest right now. Maybe it's the same forest where I saw my first shooting star, or maybe it’s the one that my uncle drove six years ago from Oita to Kumamoto. It’s probably the Nissan driving through a rainy Vermont. Soon, the Nissan will stop, the driver will sigh of relief, and he’ll tell me that we’re here. And I’ll grab the leftover McDonald’s and run to the backdoor through the wet grass, and I’ll feel the safest I’ve ever been in this bedroom that I’ve never been before. And he and I will discuss the significance of the joke at the beginning of the movie, and Sean McGuire will tell Will Hunting that we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. And even though my world has only existed here tonight, I’m glad that he’s next to me to catch my tears. 4:00 The only record of change in my mama’s childhood home has been carved into its inhabitants. His skin droops lower than it did the last summer that I shook his hand goodbye, and hers are chiseled with new sun spots. Here, dawn is quiet, and dusk is sacred. There are diaries in the language I no longer live my life in, nursery records of a past I can’t touch, stained photographs, expired stamps, Shinto altars, and morning-glories. The grandfather clock in the living room swings, ticking through our stay. With every year, its hands fall behind, but the path that the pendulum carves is the only straight line I’ve ever followed. 5:00 Do you remember me? I hope you do. I hope you remember my name. 6:00 Few things haunt me: the frog I accidentally stepped on when I was four, memories of yelling at my parents, when that girl pulled her eyes at me in the cafeteria, mistakes I can’t undo, the future, and death. The future haunts me before it’s here because I’m afraid my children will lose the only words my parents find freedom in, and death because it is the only thing that bends time. When my grandpa dies, so too will my ties to Japan. I see death in the orange and red leaves of Vermont autumn, in the freebie calendars my great-aunt hangs, and in the pictures of my ancestors above the altar in the formal room of my grandparents’ house. Fifteen years ago, I lay awake in this room on a futon next to my grandma. She asked me why I was crying, and I told her it was because I was scared to die someday. Because in that room, time feels so finite it suffocates you; it feels so solid that if I reached for it, I would feel it woven into the tatami. 7:00 He and I go to the Providence Place Cinema to watch Ghibli’s Spirited Away because he showed me Good Will Hunting, so I want to show him this. In the film, Chihiro wanders into the spirit realm where an evil witch takes her name away. She is now Sen, the witch’s worker whose mission is to save herself and her friend, Haku, by escaping this world. At the end, Haku reminds Chihiro of her real name, and Chihiro, of his. I cry because I resonate with Sen; I miss my life as Chihiro. I cry because even he doesn’t know me whole. I cry because I exist strictly in two identities, and never in both realms. 8:00 I have a habit of talking to myself in English when I need to drown unpleasant thoughts, but my mama once told me that I sleep-talk exclusively in Japanese. I sometimes hear my own voice, crying about a dream in a hazy consciousness, oscillating between reverie and reality. Yet, when I awaken I remember only fragments like a ghost of a light long extinguished, twinkling in a part of me that keeps time differently. As morning comes in Texas, the sun sets on Mount Aso. And just as dawn and dusk can exist in parallel, I’ve learned that I, too, can exist in twilight. 8:00 How many people have touched my hand? How many rivers has it reached for? How many pages has it flipped? My hand holds proof of change. The one that once grasped my mama’s pinky has since held much more in its palms. 9:00 During a video call over Thanksgiving break, my grandma asked me to create a family tree for my grandpa because he’s started to forget things: his breakfast this morning, our conversation last week, and the names and faces of his grandchildren. I choose from the years-old photos I have of my uncles and cousins and the most recent photos of my parents and brother to construct a concise web of our bloodline. My grandma’s pleased with the finished product. She tells me that she’ll print it out for my grandpa to study. 10:00 When I’m awake, I speak to myself not to create thought but to suffocate it. Asleep, I find clever ways of escape: I fly; I become invisible; I hold my breath; I forget. In my dreams, I am both diaphanous and free. 11:00 When I see stars, I get excited because it reminds me of how little I am, and how a rock or a glacier or an elephant could just crush my bones, and I will decompose and become nothing again except a littlest scratch in the sky, but hopefully, when that happens, someone will be craning their neck, too.

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Our Mission

Sole Magazine was created to provide the Brown community with entertaining and informative feature writing about true events, people, and experiences but without the stylistic restrictions of hard journalism. We aim to tell interesting stories in interesting ways, using techniques of characterization, description, and theme, while experimenting with structure and tone to produce creatively crafted narratives.

Meet Our Team

Nicholas Miller '24 (he/him)

Founder

Nicholas is from Baltimore, Maryland who concentrated in English Nonfiction and Portuguese and Brazilian Studies. He has a fondness for his mini soccer ball, midnight snacks, reporter’s notepads, and the smell of books. He also likes to learn things and write about them. #goat